


Conditionally

by ausfil



Category: Westlife
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, BRIT Awards, Coming Out, Complicated Relationships, Confusion, Contracts, Crying, Difficult Decisions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Falling In Love, Fluff, Football, Friendship, Getting to Know Each Other, Grinding, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Love, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Press and Tabloids, Publicity, Romance, Sad, Semi-Public Sex, Singing, Smut, Spanking, Tour Bus, Touring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-06 10:56:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 32,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13409784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ausfil/pseuds/ausfil
Summary: Nicky makes history, being the first Premier League football player to come out as gay.Shane is a rising pop star and his management has just the idea to make him into the biggest he can be.From there, begins a year of contractual binds, of lies and truth, of love and heartbreak.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> I was afraid to upload this one because I haven’t done a long one in ages (all the previous ones were absolute shit; do yourself a favour and never read them) and I’ve lost a lot of confidence these days but fuck it. Here it is anyway. I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for reading!

**_‘Nicky Byrne (25), goalkeeper of Leeds United, comes out as gay.’_ **

The papers went out. That was it. Fuck.

Nicky was about to go crazy. His phone hadn’t stopped ringing since that morning, and he didn’t expect it to stop anytime soon.

This could ruin his career. This could ruin his life.

Football was all he ever dreamed of. It was all he ever knew – all he ever breathed and lived.

Being gay in the Premier League was unprecedented. There was always a silent – sometimes not so silent – roaring taboo around the idea, and Nicky knew that _so_ well, but years of hiding were taking its toll. He didn’t want to go out with his teammates, or with anyone really, and the goalpost seemed twice its usual size, getting bigger with every game.

As the days went by, he lost more of himself than he thought was humanly possible. He didn’t know who he was anymore.

This had to end, Nicky came to the eventual decision. No one was winning from this at all. He wasn’t only dragging himself down. He was dragging his entire team down, dragging the precious name of ‘Leeds United’, and Nicky would die before he let that happen.

His agent, Louis, had slapped him across the face when he said that he wanted to come out publicly. He’d expected it. Nicky figured he deserved it too. To come out of the closet at the peak of a sports career was basically suicide, but he was determined. This was going to happen. He just couldn’t dig holes anymore.

So he did an exclusive interview with Hello! Magazine. The most nerve-wracking moment of his life. It was somehow more nerve-wracking than when he stepped out onto the football field for the first time. Maybe because, in the back of his mind, he knew that this could be the end. He put everything on the line but it was better than more years of staying in his room all day, every day, which would only lead to him being the black sheep of the team.

The article was printed in the morning and it spread faster than fire and oil. It didn’t take long until the outside of his front gates was flooded with thirsty vampires, cameras all ready to go, just waiting to get a picture of _Nicky Byrne of Leeds United after coming out_.

He guessed he was going be a shut-in for now with all the blinds closed, until Louis called him and pierced through the distracting sounds from outside.

“Hey, Louis.”

“Big day. Regretting it yet?”

“Nothing to regret. The article only just came out. And I mean, I’m not getting any rocks thrown at my windows so I’m going to say it’s not too bad yet.”

“I guess. I need you to come to my office.”

“Louis, I can’t go out. Like, I _physically_ can’t go right now. Too many people outside.”

“I’ll send someone! Just come. It’s really important. You’re going to love it.”

***

Leaving the house was hell. Even with escorts, Nicky got scratches all over him with the paps catapulting themselves at the football star, snapping photos. He got an empty water bottle thrown at his head. Was sure that he heard the word “fag” being yelled out over the paps, which wasn’t a surprise. Nicky expected that. It probably wasn’t going to be the worst he would get either. He wasn’t naïve.

“This better be good, Louis.” Nicky said as he sat down in front of Louis’ desk, staring with narrowed eyes at that smug smile underneath excited red cheeks.

“I thought this coming out thing was the most horrible idea ever, but it’s actually not receiving that bad of a reaction as I thought it would. Articles don’t seem too hateful. And the fans too. It’s a huge deal obviously, and I still think you’re out of your mind for doing it. But not all reactions are bad so far.”

“Yeah, well, we won’t know until I actually step out on the field. There’s already a hater outside my house chucking things at me.” Nicky chewed on his lip, feeling like a perpetual black shadow was stalking his footsteps. “Is that all you had to say? You could’ve done that over the phone.”

“No, that’s not it. I have a great deal for you.” The smile reappeared. It didn’t give Nicky the best feeling, exactly. “Do you know who Shane Filan is?”

“What?”

“Shane Filan. The singer. He sang ‘Everything to Me’.”

“Yeah, I know him. I think everyone knows him these days. Why?”

***

“Shane. Take a seat.” Simon leaned back in his chair, Shane sitting on the edge of the seat opposite to his boss. He could never get used to this office, to this man. A part of him was always terrified, intimidated by the shiny things on the walls, the shiny things on Simon’s wrists and fingers. “Congratulations again on the single, kiddo. Great song. The only way is up now.”

“Hopefully, yeah. Thanks.”

“So, I have a proposal for you. It’ll boost your career without a doubt.”

“Oh, wow um, okay. What is it?”

***

“No. Absolutely not. Are you fucking crazy? I’m not doing that.” Nicky stood up and was about to storm out, but Louis gestured for him to sit back down. He clenched his jaw.

“Come on, Nicholas. Think about it. You’re going to get a shit load of money to do this.”

“I don’t care. I’m already getting a shit load of money for being out on the field and stopping balls, thank you very much. And… and even if… it doesn’t work out anymore,” Nicky gulped, “I’ll still have enough money to live off. I don’t need this. I don’t need a _fake publicity boyfriend_ for money. I have a life, Louis.”

“It’ll be good for you. _And_ the team – trust me. As your agent, you gotta trust me. And it’s not just about the money. It’ll be better for you if you have a boyfriend after you come out. Make the story a bit more endearing, and it’ll be easier for you to deal with rather than go through all of it on your own. Why not take the chance while it’s in our hands? And I hear this Shane is a sweetheart.”

“He’s not even the biggest singer. Why him, out of all people?”

“He will be. He’ll be the biggest pop star soon. He’s only had one single out and teenage girls are already going crazy for him. The kid’s got it. Trust me. And if you’re his boyfriend, he can take off even faster, which will subsequently be better for you too.”

“ _Fake_ boyfriend.” Nicky corrected.

Louis had a cheeky smile on his face, like he always did when he accomplished something important. “Is that a ‘yes’?”

“No, Louis, it’s not a ‘yes’. This is mad. You’re mad.”

“Perhaps. But sometimes, mad is good. You need a little bit of mad in you. What have you got to lose, honestly? Just take the money. Attend red carpets with him. Support his music. Let him sit in the seats at your matches. Go to dinner occasionally. Easy.”

“I… I don’t know. Fuck.” Nicky scrubbed his face and dragged out a sigh. “How long have you been planning this? Because you’re talking fast and you look too happy.”

“Since you told me that you wanted to come out.”

“You serious? That was ages ago. Who did you even plan this with?”

***

“Simon. Th-that’s a bit… that’s mental.” Shane bit down on his lip when Simon changed his look – that intimidating, powerful glare burning every inch of his skin. “Sorry. I… I mean, I appreciate it. I really do. And everything you do for me. But don’t you think it’s-“

“The perfect chance.” Simon cut him off. “It’s the _perfect_ chance. You’re new, okay? You have to get over yourself and learn to see the opportunities. You’re not going to get anywhere if you don’t take all the chances.”

“Sorry.” Shane sighed, his dignity crumpling in pressure, eyes heading south. “I get that, but I- this is just… I haven’t even came out publicly. I-isn’t it too… early? I don’t think I’m ready to come out yet. This is huge. And isn’t it risky?”

“It’s 2003. People are more accepting than you think.”

“But–”

“Listen to me carefully, kiddo.” Simon leaned forward on the desk and Shane found himself leaning back a bit, the gleam from Simon’s watch blinding him for a second. “You’re a new artist. You need to grab every strand of publicity you can get. Sure, your first single did well. ‘Everything to Me’ is a fantastic song, but who’s to say that will continue forever for you? This is a tough business – one of the toughest in the world. You want to be a successful singer, don’t you?”

Shane felt almost hypnotised by Simon’s gaze as he nodded.

“Then you have to do this. Take the deal. You don’t understand how important publicity is. It’ll only do good things for you. You need to work with me and listen to me.”

Shane nodded again. It was as if that was all he could do.

“I’ve done so much for you. You know that, right?” Another nod with a hard swallow. “You can come out _and_ have him as your boyfriend. Imagine how big a story that will be for you. This is the perfect chance. You would be a fool to let go of it.”

***

“I fucking hate you. Why am I even in this car? God.” Nicky folded his arms, stared out the car window.

“Ah you love me.” Louis had an infectious smile – so infectious that he could even make Nicky smile in this situation. “You’re the one who agreed to it. You’re sure, right? You had a couple days to think about it.”

“Yeah, I guess. It’s… I don’t want to do it alone. I want someone. Even if it’s fake.” Nicky let out a shuddering breath. “It could be fine, right?”

It felt weird to even say it or think it, but he’d contemplated for ages and frankly, he was so fucking scared to do it all alone. The disgusted glares from players who had their heads far up their own arses. The hundreds of interviews he would have to do of what life was like as a closeted player, if this new _’lifestyle’_ would affect his football life. The paparazzi that would follow him when he was all by himself. He didn’t think he could deal with that.

“It’ll be fine. Absolutely.” That infinite positivity. Nicky wished he could have that too. “Come on. We’re here.” Louis parked the car and when they got out, Nicky looked up at the tall building, at the proud logo of ‘Sony BMG’ before going up the lift to the top floor.

“I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this. This is still insane.”

“Be polite. Shane’s a kid. He’s only twenty four. I’m sure he’s nervous.”

“Twenty four? That’s only a year younger than me.”

“Yeah, but he’s new to the scene. Just be nice.”

Nicky nodded. Louis knocked on Simon’s office.

“Come in.” Simon called and they followed inside. “Louis, darling. It’s good to see you again.” The two shared a friendly hug, and Nicky’s gaze led him to the figure sitting down on the edge of his seat, a timid but cute little smile spread across thin lips underneath sparkling hazel eyes and neatly spiked brown hair.

“Hi, I’m Shane. Big fan of yours.” He stood up and stuck out his hand, which Nicky didn’t hesitate to shake.

“Nicky. Nice to meet you. And ditto.”

Shane widened his smile a bit, and that felt better than Nicky thought it would. Maybe… maybe this would all be okay. Maybe this wasn’t the worst idea in the world. Maybe he wouldn’t have to murder Louis.

Nicky sat down beside Shane and was about to compliment his song until Simon slid stapled pieces of paper to each of them respectively.

“It’s our contract. We’ve already ran it through legal, and Louis and I have discussed it a lot. But still, read at your own pace, and sign if you’re happy with it.” He said with such a gentle tone as he gave them each a pen too.

After a quick read, Nicky looked sideways, saw Shane look like he wanted to cry a bit as he read through every word of the contract.

“Hey, can we just have a moment to ourselves? Just Shane and I.” Shane looked up, a bit baffled. “We should probably discuss it together before we agree to anything.”

Simon and Louis left the room.

“So,” Nicky put the papers down, “this is a bit crazy, isn’t it?”

“Totally mental. Fuck. I don’t know what I’m doing.” Shane let out an uneasy laugh and scratched the back of his head. He looked much more relaxed compared to before, now that they were alone. “What do you uh… what do you think?”

“Well, one year seems reasonable, I guess. Tell everyone we’ve been together for eight months. I attend your gigs and stuff. You attend my games. Occasional public dates. Then a year later, we break up.” Shane nodded along, running his eyes over the papers once more.

“Did you read part iii under the second point?” Shane smirked and Nicky flipped through. “We can’t be in an actual romantic relationship, apparently. Or after this year finishes.”

“Ah shit, there goes all my dreams right out the window.” Nicky joked, the smile reaching his eyes when Shane laughed back at him.

“I guess it could be fun. If we don’t take it too seriously, like. Just, I don’t know, mess around with it for a year.”

Nicky nodded, smiled at the gleam in Shane’s eyes that screamed optimism. “Yeah. I agree. We should probably figure out a proper story and all of that soon.”

“Yeah.” Shane cleared his throat, seemed a little hesitant before opening his mouth again. “Hey, um you know, I just wanted to say, I think it’s really cool what you’re doing. First footballer to come out – that’s amazing. I’m sure it would have helped me if I was a kid and I saw someone as great as _you_ out and proud. Like, you represented our whole country in the World Cup last year for Christ’s sake. And you’re _gay_.”

“That’s sweet. I really appreciate that.” A warm wave flowed over Nicky’s chest. “But the same goes for you. You’re doing a really brave thing.”

“Cheers, mate.” Shane showed a precious bashful smile as he reached for a pen. “So we’re signing?”

Nicky nodded and flipped through the pages once more.


	2. Two

All the blinds were closed. Only shadows cast over the entire house. Shane sat alone on his couch, the newspaper on his lap, head wrapped in his hands. What the fuck was he doing? What was he shoving himself into? This wasn’t right. He wasn’t ready to do this.

His face was plastered on the front cover of every newspaper and magazine out there.

**_‘Pop sensation Shane Filan comes out as gay.’_ **

**_‘Shane Filan and Nicky Byrne in a secret relationship for the past 8 months.’_ **

**_‘Footballer – singer gay relationship goes public.’_ **

Shane couldn’t breathe. His fingers were trembling. His chest tightened along with every word that he read through. This was an awful idea. He shouldn’t have done this.

His phone beeped again for the millionth time. Probably another text saying either ‘congratulations’ or ‘you’re going to hell’. He didn’t want to look at it. Not now, not ever.

And another beep. Shane grunted and flipped open his phone. It was a text from Nicky.

**Saw the papers. U ok? Hope this is not too overwhelming. Call if u need me**

Shane didn’t think twice. It wasn’t like he had another resort. He pressed the call button and Nicky picked up instantly.

“Hey. How you holding up?”

“I’m… Not too good. I don’t know. I don’t know if I can do this.” Shane’s voice was unstable. “This is too much, Nicky. I’m sorry. I can’t… do this. I-I… I’m buying a plane ticket. Going back home. I can’t be here right now.”

“Okay, I know it’s a lot. Just breathe. You sound like you’re panicking.” Nicky didn’t sound too calm himself.

“Well, of course I’m panicking!” Shane stood up, running an uneasy hand through his hand. “I have to lie to everyone. _Everyone_. The fucking contract – I can’t even tell my parents the truth. My brothers, sisters, my friends. Nobody. Nobody can ever know that we’re fake. I have to tell the whole world that I’m in love, that I have been for the last eight months without telling a soul. I have to… I have to lie. I thought I’d be done with that if I came out.”

“I know.” Nicky nodded along. He could sense a lump in his own throat at Shane’s cracking voice. “Look, do you want me to come over or something? I mean, if you don’t mind. And if you should be seen with anyone right now, it’s me so…”

“Paps are all over. Fans too. I don’t think it’s safe.”

“Who cares? They’ll get a kick out of it if I turn up at your place. And you’ll feel better if you’re not alone. That’s what this whole deal is about. But look, it’s your choice, mate.”

Nicky tried to be careful about it. He barely knew the guy. Just met a bit over a week ago. Exchanged a couple phone calls and text messages, trying to figure out their story and sharing each other’s birthdays, family situations, favourite foods, and all the basic nonsense that prying interviewers might ask on TV shows. There was even a wonderful moment where Shane had asked “favourite movie?” and Nicky replied with “Top Gun”. Shane replied with an excited “oh me too!” Then they talked about how hot Tom Cruise was for a minute and how when Shane was fifteen, his sister walked in on him jacking off to Top Gun, but other than the surficial information, they hadn’t talked much at all.

“Okay, I… I guess. Yeah. Thank you.”

***

Nicky pulled his cap down low when he got out of the car. Flashes were all over him and he could barely fight his way to the door. Chaos. He couldn’t tell if they were paparazzi or Shane’s fans, but they were all screaming and pushing. When he rang the doorbell, Shane quickly pulled him in.

“Jesus, they’re crazy. Singers have it so much worse than us.” Nicky chuckled, carefully measuring Shane’s state. “How are you?”

“I’m… fine. Sorry.” Shane looked up and Nicky sighed at those red eyes that probably had a good cry before he came.

“Hey, I’m your _boyfriend_ now. You don’t have to hide stuff from me.” Nicky had the warmest smile, even wider when Shane let out a low careful laugh. “Have you had lunch yet? Do you want to eat something?”

Shane shook his head. “I don’t feel like eating.”

“Fair enough.” Shane still looked like he could cry in the matter of seconds if he was even laid a finger on, was gnawing on his bottom lip to hold back tears that he shed enough of already. “Are you… are you okay?”

“No. I’m exhausted.” Shane shook his head, lowered it a little, and eventually, the millionth tear fled down the bridge of his nose, falling to the floor at the tip. “Shit, I’m sorry. Um.” He cleared his throat and whipped a hand across to wipe the tear away, only to have it replaced by another. “This is fucked. I thought coming out was supposed to feel better than this…”

“I know. Me too.” Nicky whispered as he pulled Shane’s shaking body into his arms, rubbing slow circles on the small of his back.

“Just before you came, I got off the phone with my mam.” Shane uttered through his sniffles and clumped throat. “She asked me why I didn’t tell her about you, why I thought I had to hide an important relationship like that. I just… I felt horrible lying to her.” Nicky nodded along. He’d had the same arduous conversation with his parents. “But I have to do this, right? It’ll be good for my career?”

“Yeah. Hopefully.” Nicky chewed on his lip for a second, hesitating. “Look, I’d like to tell you that… that it’ll all be okay, but I don’t know myself. I only came out a little bit before you did. I’ve never really left my house since then. I don’t know if it’ll all be okay.” Nicky felt himself choking up. Fuck. “But we’ll have each other. Whatever happens. That’s the whole point of this – so we don’t have to do this shit alone.”

He managed to cork his tears inside by the time Shane stopped crying on his shoulder.

“Feel a bit better?” He pulled back a bit and swiped his thumb across wet cheeks, smiling when Shane nodded. “We’ll be okay.” He squeezed Shane’s tense shoulder. He felt like a big brother, even though they just met. Shane was the one being pushed into this crazy sudden world that he didn’t have time to prepare for, and Nicky was the big brother guiding him through it, being his confidant and being there beside him as a shoulder to lean on. He guessed this would be their relationship for a year. It wasn’t the worst thing in the world. “Do you want a drink or something? Do you have beer? Just wind down a bit.”

Shane shook his head, then stopped. “Actually, yeah. Might as well. It’s in the fridge.”

Nicky guided Shane to the couch and sat him down before he went to fetch two beer cans from Shane’s fridge. Shane was scrubbing his eyes with tissue when Nicky opened an icy can and handed it to him.

“Thanks.” Shane tossed the tissue to the side and took a sip. “When’s your next game?”

“In three days. I’m… I don’t know what to expect.”

“I have to be there, right?”

“Well, you don’t have to be there for every single game but it’d probably be good if you were there for a lot of them. Especially the first few.”

Shane nodded, downed a bit more of the beer. It seemed to cool him down slowly. “Yeah. I can do that. I’ll be there. I just… homophobia’s pretty bad in football though, right? I won’t get, like, beaten up or anything, would I? Or would _you_?”

“I-I… don’t know, Shane. Not by my team mates, at least. Most of them called me and stuff after the articles. Were surprisingly supportive.”

“That’s nice. I’m happy for you.” Shane smiled – a genuine smile that Nicky didn’t know if he was going to be able to see today when he first walked in.

“Thanks. But hey, forget about all of that. We should be celebrating, right? We just came out of the closet to the whole world! It’s a huge fucking deal.” Nicky’s grin lightened the room as he clinked the two beer cans.

“You’re right. We’re gonna spend heaps of time together from now on so we might as well get comfortable, like.” Nicky’s smile was contagious, a ting of optimism clicking in his brain.

“Yeah, exactly. I like you already.” Nicky winked and let the cold liquid slide down his throat.

A bit of awkward silence followed. Shane fiddled with the can in his hand, pretending to read the label, before he opened his mouth again.

“You know, to be honest, I was worried you were going to be the biggest arse with the biggest ego. You’re like one of the biggest players out there and I’m just a newbie and I thought you were gonna like, look down on me and be a bit of a bitch. You’re the opposite of what I expected though.” Shane gave off a shy smile. Nicky’s heart skipped a beat at that. He didn’t know why.

“Good humble Irish upbringing.” Then Shane laughed. A sweet, pretty sound like a song. “Hey, you’re not that different though. I thought you were going to be an arse too. A little country boy who made it big and who’s becoming a huge pop star with girls screaming everywhere he goes. Who wouldn’t let that go to their head?”

“Well, good humble Irish upbringing for me too, I guess. Cheers.” Shane smiled bashfully. “And I mean, I’m not a huge pop star. I only have one song out. And, who knows, after this… this coming out thing, my fans might all leave and I’ll just… stop.”

“Hey, come on. Simon and Louis are genius bastards. I’m sure they had a very good reason to agree to do this. Trust them. All we have to do today is celebrate.”

“Right.” Shane nodded, looked deep into Nicky’s oceanic blue eyes and wanted to swim in calm waves. “Right… yes. Celebrate. Thanks.”

“Another beer?” Nicky got up when Shane nodded and fetched two more cans from Shane’s fridge. “So, what’s your second single? Do you have it?”

“Yeah. It’s coming out in a month on the same day as my album. Do you want to have a listen?”

“Well, as your boyfriend, I think I have the right to listen to it before everyone else.” Shane chuckled at Nicky’s cheeky grin and stuck his CD in the player.

“It’s called ‘About You’. Be honest with me, yeah? Tell me how it is.”

“Of course.” The song played. Gentle intro, then Shane’s divine voice completing it with the tempo picking up. Nicky’s heart sped up with every note change and slide of Shane’s voice. Then the chorus. Those high notes. No wonder the teenage girls were going crazy for him. His voice was heaven and hell in one piece. “Wow, Shane, this is really good.”

“You mean it?” Shane looked up expectantly, a hopeful sparkle in his eyes that made him look like a thirsty puppy that saw an endless lake.

“Yeah. I mean it. I love it. I’m no expert but it’s better than most of the shit on the radio these days. Did you write it too, or?”

“I wrote all of the songs off the album. Well, co-wrote, because I don’t play an instrument, but yeah.” Shane had a look of unbreakable pride on his face which made Nicky feel proud.

“Well, you’re bloody talented. Can I listen to the other songs too, or is that a secret until the album launch?”

Shane just clicked play as an answer, studying Nicky’s reactions to every lyric, every note.

***

“Shit. Wow.”

Nicky rested his head back on Shane’s shoulder after they listened through all the songs. It took an hour. An hour of Nicky leaning his head on Shane’s shoulder. An hour of Shane playing with Nicky’s crunchy locks and occasionally brushing a kiss in it through his favourite lyrics, then Nicky snuggling up even more with a bashful grin. They were certainly getting comfortable.

“I thought you were just a good singer. Didn’t know you were an incredible songwriter too. No wonder you’re popular. I can already see it; the 2004 BRIT Awards! Album of the Year goes to Shane Filan!”

“God, I wish. Never in a million years though.” Shane shook his head. “But that means a lot. Thank you.”

Nicky looked up and grinned, lips thinning and eyes deepening in an exchange with Shane’s sparkling hazels. They twinkled down to Nicky’s mouth, then slowly back up to his eyes.

Nicky could swear that he saw an adam’s apple bobbing. “So, um.”

Within a blink, Shane leaned in.

It happened too quickly. Nicky froze for half a moment before he realised what was happening. He felt a blush ink his cheeks as he kissed back. It was rigid, almost. Timid lips slowly becoming more daring as they closed down harder, a tongue slithering out to meet his. Their breaths were stolen by each other, blown back, then sucked out and stolen again.

Shane was the first to break the kiss, just for some air and clarity that Nicky wanted this too. He looked up at Nicky’s orbs, felt them suffocate him and leave him lightheaded. The power in him left when Nicky pushed him back to lie down on the couch. As if he were under a spell, with a graze of Nicky’s thumb across his lips, he reclosed the gap, even more desperate than the first. Within seconds of breath-taking exchanges, Shane broke the kiss again, gasping to refill his lungs at a cheeky hand that tugged at the waistband of his jeans.

“Oh, so… so we’re doing this?”

“Unless you don’t want to.” Nicky’s lips were parted, chest rising and falling as he tried to study the look in Shane’s eyes.

“No, I want to. I just… I didn’t expect to get this close to you when I first met you. I thought we’d hate each other.”

“Me too, honestly.” A smile of relief easing the tension, Nicky leaned back in. His hand slithered down to undo the button on Shane’s jeans. A low growl was unleashed into his mouth when he shoved his hand inside Shane’s boxers.

***

“Yes, Nicky, ah…!” Shane’s fingers bruised Nicky’s back as he was filled, a thickened shaft exploring his walls that felt so fucking _good_ when they bucked.

Those moans like music, Nicky felt his heart sway to the beat, his lips finding the sensitive spot on Shane’s neck that brought out the chorus. Nicky felt a red rush reach his head, clouding it with a frustrating arousal that needed to be released soon.

“Sorry, I…” Nicky couldn’t speak. How could he when a pair of lips were gnawing at his jaw, sending shivers along his spine and all the way down to the spot where Shane dug his heels into his back.

“Whenever you need to,” Shane whispered in between kisses, “it’s fine.”

Nicky didn’t want to let go. Didn’t want this to be over. If he could feel this forever, he would. Shane writhing underneath his touch, a cock bobbing against his stomach and close to letting go too but holding on with the life of him that _needed_ this.

He came into the condom with a moan that stemmed from the pit of his stomach, and Shane couldn’t withhold much when he felt the warm splurt rolling out inside him. With a few pumps from Nicky’s sweaty palm, he was pushed over the cliff and sprayed on Nicky’s skin.

“Fuck,” Nicky puffed out and tried to fill his deflated lungs as he collapsed down beside the boy, the viscous liquid still on his body. “You alright?”

“Perfect. You?”

“Perfect.” Nicky repeated through a grin and an airless breath, a kiss on Shane’s rosy cheek. “I have a training session tomorrow and I’m not even going to be able to walk. Blaming you for that.”

“Oh well. You can tell them that your boyfriend absolutely ruined ya.”

“Yes, because a group of straight football players would _love_ to hear that.” Shane laughed, and Nicky couldn’t hold back an urge to kiss it. Shane returned it with a smile.

“So, we’re not gonna be like… weird, right?”

“I think our relationship’s already weird. A little bit more wouldn’t hurt.”


	3. Three

“Shane! Shaaaaane!”

“Sign my bra!”

“We’re proud of you!”

“Can you sign this?!”

“Shane, we still love you!”

The screeches went on and on, and Shane smiled, waved, before rushing towards the stadium. He felt his tense body relax when he saw Nicky waiting for him just near the entrance.

“Hey, you made it in one piece.” They shared a hug, and Nicky kissed him on the forehead for the crazily-flashing cameras and screaming fans before they walked inside towards the locker rooms. “Jesus, your fans are fucking insane. How did they even know you were gonna be here?”

“Well, I guess because it’s your first game since we came out, it was going to be obvious. They’re everywhere.” Shane shrugged. “I’m assuming they still like me if they’re following me around. It’s a bit crazier than usual, I think.”

“Definitely a good sign. And I mean, it’s 2003. Gay singers aren’t _super_ rare anymore. There’s like, George Michael. Stephen Gately. So I don’t think you’ll get too much hate for that.”

“Yeah, hopefully. I don’t know. I’m still nervous. Really nervous. Are you nervous?” Shane was talking a bit too fast, like his tongue couldn’t catch up to the speed of his brain. “This is like our first proper public thing or whatever.”

“Shitting myself.” Nicky stopped just outside the door to the Leeds locker room and put an arm around Shane’s shoulder. “You need a minute before we go in?”

Shane took a deep breath. “I’ll be alright.”

***

All the players had been nice. More than Shane expected them to be. They’d all given him a pat on the back and a nice “welcome to the crew”. A few didn’t quite seem too eager about saying hi, but that was okay. They couldn’t have _everyone_ on their side.

Then Kian came up to them to introduce himself. As if he didn’t already know who Kian fucking Egan was. He was probably the biggest player to stem from Irish soil, and was Nicky’s best friend too. The first person Nicky came out to and everything. Shane was sort of jealous.

“Is this the lad?” Kian nudged Nicky and brought out a playful eye-roll from him. “It’s great to finally meet you. Been waiting to see which lucky arse would take Nicky.”

“I am lucky, yeah.” Shane smiled and Kian smiled back with a nod. It felt like some sort of approval which was nice.

There was something about Kian that Shane liked. Rich and hot and famous, obviously, but more than that. He was easy-going. Down to Earth. Kind. Seemed like a bit of an arrogant diva on the outside, had a bit of a famous temper out on the field and got into the occasional chest-bumping fights out there that made the front pages, but he was a teddy bear with the goldest of hearts on the inside for sure. And Nicky seemed to love him.

It was a completely different atmosphere out on the field. He’d never felt anything like it. Had never had enough money to score seats like this back in Sligo, if at all. He had a tough time trying to focus on the actual game though.

The VIP section of the seats at least provided some sort of distance between him and the rest of the crowd. Not to mention the paparazzi. Every time he managed to get into the game, a flash would go off from somewhere and steal his attention. Or some men in the next private box would give him dirty looks, murmur amongst themselves like Shane would never notice. He told himself that he had to get used to this and forced his eyes to stay glued to the dance of the ball.

Shane would clap and cheer whenever Nicky flew to save a goal. He didn’t care so much for Leeds, honestly. Wasn’t that big a fan of them. He was going for Nicky. It was weird, but he supposed it was good. At least for the cameras to see him cheering for his ‘boyfriend’.

The game ended 2 - 1. Shane held his head up high in an odd sense of pride, beamed and waved when Nicky pointed towards his direction from the field which was probably stupid. Nicky probably couldn’t see him, but still.

***

Sitting in the stadium audience the second time, a few days after the first one, was better. Shane got used to it a bit more. Cameras were still flashing, a couple scowls, but he supposed it was better. Again, he just tried to focus on the ball and Nicky’s dives.

Nicky was extraordinary. No wonder he flew the flag at the World Cup. Shane felt himself elevate, watching Nicky save every shoot with the game ending at 3 - 0. There were a lot more flashes that went off from all the edges of Shane’s eyes after the game. He didn’t need to put on an act though.

Nicky peeled his shirt off in celebration, a sweaty face smiling like the Sun and punching the air, hopping around like he was on a jumping castle with his teammates, moving across the field to shake hands with some of the disheartened opposite players.

That look of pride, Shane clapped along and found himself smiling to it, feeling his heart blossom, until gasps replaced the cheers of the stadium audience within the matter of seconds. It was like a lethal tsunami. The audience mumbled words around him that he couldn’t process right away.

“Fucking faggot! You don’t belong here, Byrne!” Shane could hear being yelled from the ground. “Get off the fucking field!”

His stomach sank down to his feet.

Nicky was on the floor. Squirming. Half his face covered with his hand.

***

When Shane rushed down and opened the door to the locker room, Nicky’s head was dipped low, shoulders sagged, an ice pack on his right eye with Kian’s arm around his shoulder.

“Hey.” Shane whispered and brought his careful steps closer to sit beside him. “Are you okay?”

Nicky looked up, the ice pack covering half of his face. “Yeah. It’s fine. It’ll probably bruise but… I’ll be okay.”

“I’ll give you two a minute.” Kian stood up and patted his friend on the shoulder before heading out.

Shane thanked him and ran his hand up and down Nicky’s back. “That was… scary.”

“My fault.” Nicky heaved out a sigh from the pit of his stomach and put the ice pack down on the bench. His head was still hanging low. “I could _see_ him stomping up towards me with his fist clenched and… I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t move at all. I stood there like an eejit thinking ‘you know what? I’ll just take the punch’. And I felt like I deserved it a bit too. Like… _be a real footballer_ or whatever.”

“What, because you’re gay?” Shane’s fingertips were still shaking, he realised. Didn’t get enough time to calm his shock that was transforming itself to balls of anger.

Nicky shrugged and refused to meet his eyes.

Shane rolled his fingers into his palm. “So what if you’re gay? That doesn’t change the fact that you’re one of the most successful players. Why else would you still be the main goalkeeper of Leeds? Representing Ireland in the World Cup? You did everyone proud. He’s just a prick. Fuck him, like.”

Shane didn’t get a proper reply. Just a hum.

“Seriously, it doesn’t change a fucking thing.” Shane’s voice was trembling, pure venom oozing out of it, and Nicky looked up to meet glowered eyes, realised that this probably went beyond the punching incident.

“Shane…”

“You didn’t deserve it. You didn’t.” Shane was pulled into a hug that forced tears that he’d been holding to come out. “I’m sorry.”

“ _I’m_ sorry. You didn’t have to see that.” Nicky kissed his temple. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” A soft sob against Nicky’s shoulder told a different story. “I’m the one who should be asking that. You’re the one who got punched.”

“It’ll heal. Are you headed straight home after this?” Shane nodded. “Would you like to come to mine tonight instead? Nothing weird, just… I don’t want to be alone today.” Nicky pulled back a bit, a slight upwards tug in the corner of his lip. Shane copied it. “Only if you want.”

“I’d like that.” Shane wiped his face. Got a clear view of the shiner surfacing on that precious face. “Does it hurt?”

“It’s not that bad.” Shane still grimaced, brought his hand up and gently stroked fingers over the bruise that would darken over the next few days. Immediately pulled back when Nicky flinched. “Ouch.”

“Sorry.” Shane put his hand back on Nicky’s, his thumb slowly rubbing. “So, do you have like ten guest bedrooms that I can pick from?”

“Four, but sure. Choose whichever room you’d like.” Shane smiled at him – something that Nicky didn’t expect to find so much solace in, but he did. “Thank you. Really. I appreciate it.”

“Ah come on. What are fake boyfriends for?” Shane nudged him. Nicky nudged back with a chuckle.

***

Nicky’s house was probably five times bigger than Shane’s. He had so many bathrooms, all spick and span in a blinding white. A trophy room. A recreation room. A pool table room. A cinema with leather seats. A garage that had a line of Bugatti limited editions, Mercedes sports cars in different colours, a series of Harley motorbikes. This was a dream house. The tour itself took half an hour.

“Jesus, you’re bloody rich.”

Nicky laughed at Shane’s wide eyes. “Football money. But I’m sure you’ll reel in all that popstar money soon too. And who knows? You could be richer than me in five years.”

Shane scoffed. “I wish. Can we watch a movie?”

“Up for Top Gun?”

“I’m always up for Top Gun.” Shane beamed like an excited child. Nicky had to tousle his hair.

“Go make yourself at home. I’ll get us a bottle of wine.”

***

The night was perfect. Nothing weird, like he had said. Just two lads hanging out away from being the centre of thousands of judgemental eyes, somehow falling into a clumsy warm cuddle on the double seater and sitting through a couple movies, going through even more bottles of wine.

“Do you want me to turn on another movie, or?” Nicky asked, hand fiddling around in brown hair that was leaning on his shoulder.

“Nah. I think my eyes are about to pop out. We’ve been sitting here for hours. What time is it, anyway?”

“Um…” The clock on the wall made Nicky blank for a bit. “It’s almost three in the morning. What the fuck did we even do all night?”

“Finished three bottles of wine together. I think I’m pretty tipsy.”

“Ah you’ll be fine. I can set up the guest bedroom if you’re sleepy. Do you want to sleep?”

“Nah. Do you?” Shane looked up, and the purple beneath that beautiful eye stole his gaze. He tried to restrain himself from gulping. They spent the whole day trying to forget about that. Nicky even turned off his phone to disregard all the manic beeping, tried to ignore the occasional throbbing of his cheekbone.

“Me neither. We’ll sleep later.” Shane rested his head back on Nicky shoulder, smiled when he felt an arm curl around him. “You reckon the paps are still outside my gates?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe.”

“Jesus. It’s just a fucking bruise. They got heaps of photos of it already. They need to get a life.”

“Right? Like, they chase me to the shops and stuff. What’s so interesting about me buying milk?”

“Annoying little fuckers.” Nicky rolled his eyes and shook his head. “At least there’s a bit of distance between you and them at the matches.”

“Yeah, thank god. The VIP seats are really good, by the way. I’ve never had seats like that. This pact comes with its perks.”

“Greatest present for a Leeds United fan.”

“Well, to be honest,” Shane cleared his throat, “I’m a Manchester United fan. Always have been.”

Nicky dramatically gasped and sat up to clutch his chest, eyes glaring but lips curved. “Wow. You’re a monster, Shane Filan.” Shane laughed back. “We’re versing them soon. Who you gonna go for?”

“Well, I’m contractually obligated to go for Leeds.”

“Not really.” Nicky reached out to refill Shane’s wine glass, then his own. “You’re contractually obligated to hold my hand in public and get pictures taken. Say cute things about me in interviews. You can go for whichever team you want. I mean, I’ll kill you if you choose Man United, but you have the ultimate choice.”

Shane rolled his eyes with a fond smile smeared across his face. “I’d like to live a bit longer, thanks, so I’ll choose Leeds. And besides, how would it look if my boyfriend is in a team and I go for the other? I’d get hot dogs thrown at me, Nicky. They hate me already because I’m gay and stole you. Let’s not feed the fire.”

Nicky laughed. “I’ll have none of it! No one touches the love of my life.”

“I appreciate that, dear.” Shane hadn’t meant to reach out and stroke Nicky’s cheek. He couldn’t remember why when Nicky beamed back.

“When am I gonna get _my_ perks? I want to go to free concerts! VIP seats! Do you know if you’re going on tour yet?”

“Not sure.” Shane pulled his hand back. “It depends on the album sales and after all the singles and promo and stuff. It’s such a long process.”

“That makes sense. When does the album come out again?”

“In about two weeks, it’s… yeah. Two weeks. Jesus.” Shane showed a lopsided smile, dropped his head a bit and took a sip of his wine.

“Is something wrong?”

“Just… it’s so soon.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?” Nicky tilted his head. “You’ve been waiting for so long.”

“Yeah. Absolutely. This is… it’s what I’ve dreamed of ever since I was a child. It’s the only thing that I’ve ever wanted to do.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

Shane sighed, chest tightening a bit again as a self-conscious hand ran through his hair. A muddle of thoughts and worries that he’d never said out loud, Nicky’s voice gave him the push he needed.

“What if… what if it’s shit? What if it’s not as good as I think it is, you know? I might be a one-hit wonder. People could think that the songs are just not good enough, or not as good as my first single, and then never listen to my songs again or come to my gigs. I’d have to drop everything. Go back to Sligo and just… study accounting again or something.”

“You know that’s not going to happen. Come on. What happened to the confident Shane Filan!” Nicky upped his tone to lighten the mood. It only earned a small smirk from Shane. He changed his path of approach. “Do you think your songs are good? Are you proud of them?”

Shane nodded.

“Then that’s it. I mean, I don’t know much about all this music business but if you like your songs and if you’re proud to release them, that’s all that matters. You have _heaps_ of fans. I’m sure they’ll love it.”

Shane took a moment to let that sink in. It still didn’t seem to help. “But then if… if this all takes off great and if I really do get to do everything that I wanted… I’ll never be home.” Shane’s voice cracked at the end, and Nicky bit the insides of his mouth. This was getting familiar. “My mam and dad, brothers and sisters, my nieces and nephews, my horses too. I just… I won’t see them for so long. I already miss Sligo. Sligo’s my home. Always. I’ve hardly had enough time to go back these past three years. And if I do this, I won’t ever be able to go.”

“Aw, sweetie…” Nicky shuffled closer and ran his hands through soft brown hair. “Listen. During my first year in the team, I cried myself to sleep every night because I missed home.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhm.” Nicky could cry on cue, thinking about that time again. Seventeen years of age, living alone in a foreign country after being scouted over there, making money that he didn’t know how to handle, and being thrown into the fierce world of competition. Spending precious time being a bootboy for the professionals when all he wanted was to be on the field like them. “And every time my family called me, I would bawl my eyes out because I wanted to see them so bad. I was genuinely close to giving it all up sometimes. So I understand where you’re coming from. It’s tough.”

Shane nodded and pursed his lips.

“But I _promise_ you, it’ll be worth it in the long run. You’ll learn to deal with it. Trust me. And for this year, I’ll be with you through every step. Not just because I have to, but because I want to. For you.” Nicky kissed Shane’s cheek, smiled when Shane turned to hug him, tight arms clinging on and seeking solace to spread to his heart.

Nicky’s arm curled around Shane’s back and pulled him in when Shane dug his face into a soft neck.

“Feel better?”

Shane nodded, soft butterfly kisses blessing Nicky’s neck. “Thank you.”

“Any time, love. And you won’t have to run into shitty hometown people that you don’t want to see.” Nicky tried at a joke. DIdn’t really get a laugh back.

Shane pulled away from the embrace and downed the rest of his glass, face crumpling when he had to force it down his clumped throat. “Yeah. That’s true. I guess it means that I won’t run into my ex every two seconds. Sligo’s fucking tiny. It would have been horrific.”

“Ah well, there’s a plus.” Nicky breathed through a careful snort. “Have many of those?”

“What? Exes?” Nicky nodded. “No, just the one. Which is pretty sad, I guess. I’m twenty five soon and I’ve only ever dated the one guy.”

“That’s not sad.”

“It is, a little. Sometimes I feel like I missed out on a lot, but I don’t know.” Shane shrugged. “I dated this boy – Mark – from high school until I was about twenty one? Twenty two? For five years. My first love. But then I dumped him to move here.”

“Wow. Five years.” Nicky’s eyebrows raised a bit. “Didn’t want a long distance relationship, or?”

“No, we both wanted to, and we could’ve gotten through it but… but I thought it’d be risky to start off my career as a gay singer. I was too scared. Being gay in Sligo wasn’t exactly a cruise. So I chose singing over him.”

“He must hate you.”

“Probably, yeah. I don’t blame him. We loved each other, you know? And to have it end like that… I’d hate me too.” Nicky felt a little flame of jealousy in the pit of his stomach. He didn’t know why. It wasn’t his place to feel like this at all. “I think if I didn’t give up on us for all of this, we probably would have gotten married. It was _proper_ , like.”

“Sounds like it really was. Are you still in love with him, or?” Nicky felt bad for asking, knew it was insensitive, and he shouldn’t have felt nervous about the answer but he couldn’t help it.

“Nah. It was ages ago. I mean, I was a mess for about a year. I think I cried more about Mark than anything I’ve _ever_ cried about, but yeah, I’m fine now, more or less.” Shane filled his wine glass, and Nicky’s too. “Unless I see him again. That’ll probably ruin me. I think I just… didn’t let myself think about him or get hung up on him. I had too much to do.” He shrugged. “Anyway. What about you?”

“What about me?”

“Do you have a tragic story too? We can be the depressing gay couple.” A cheeky crinkle of Shane’s forehead lightened the mood.

“That’s the dream, right?” Nicky sipped his wine through a silly laugh. “Yeah, I guess it’s a bit tragic. I’ve never dated a boy. You’re technically my first.”

Wine almost came out of Shane’s nose. “Wait, what? Are you serious? How is that possible?” Shane realised how rude that could’ve sounded in the moment. He quickly corrected himself. “Sorry, I don’t mean it like that. It’s just… you’re so attractive. I feel like guys would be throwing themselves at you all the time.”

“Aw, thanks.” Nicky tousled Shane’s hair gently. His puppy giggle made Nicky blush a little. “Nah, it just never happened. I never had the chance, I guess. I moved over here for football ever since I was seventeen. Then I realised I was gay when I was about twenty and I refused to come out.”

“Wow… It makes sense though, given your situation. Must have been hard.” Shane rubbed Nicky’s shoulder, a compassionate smile on his pink lips. “You have me now. The best boyfriend! At least in the public eye.”

“In the public eye.” Nicky echoed, a bittersweet tug pulling at his chest.

“Yep.” Shane leaned in to kiss Nicky’s forehead before letting out a sigh that he’d been holding for hours on end. “Sorry, I didn’t want to like, bring this up again or whatever, but do you want some ice for that? It’s getting really purple. Bit concerning.” He pointed at Nicky’s eye. Oh. Right. He’d forgotten about that. Shane allowed him to. Nicky tried to force a smile, tried to push away the lingering feeling that seeped back to him of laying on the field in front of an endless sea of people watching him squirm.

“No, I’m fine. There’s not much I can do about it. I just have to let it fade away. I’ll be fine. Let’s just… talk about something else.” Shane nodded along, ran out of words to fill the silence. Nicky took the job instead. “I think we should sleep, actually. It’s late.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“I’ll set up the guest bedroom for you.” Nicky stood up and disappeared around the corner.


	4. Four

Shane’s hand was held tight in Nicky’s, about half of the club’s eyes were on them, but they were getting used to it by now. It was nothing new. They occasionally leaned in for cute pecks on each other’s cheek, followed by the systematic heartfelt look in their eyes when they looked at each other. It was all an easy equation to work with.

“Shouldn’t you be taking a million vodka shots and on the dance floor? This party is literally set up for you, Shane. Your album’s out tomorrow! You should be getting piss drunk and celebrating. It’s _your_ album launch party.”

“I’ve already had quite a bit to drink. And if I do take a million vodka shots, you should be taking them with me.”

“Urgh, I hate shots.” Nicky faked a shudder.

“I know, but still! This is where your perks as the boyfriend of a singer begin, my love, and it starts with free shots. Come on. You’ll be alright in the morning.” Shane quickly grabbed two shot glasses from the passing tray, and they downed it, faces scrunching at the burn.

“Bleurgh, that’s horrible.” Nicky tried to cough out the alcohol and pushed Shane with his elbow when he got a laugh. “Shut up.” He plonked the shot glass back down on another tray. “How do you think the album’s gonna do?”

“No idea. I… I don’t really want to think about it right now.” Nicky gave a sympathetic nod. ”We’ll see soon. Hopefully I get to go on tour. That’s all I want.”

“Do I get free tickets?”

“Of course, if it kicks off. I’ll get you a Triple A pass.”

“Then I hope so too. Just for my free pass and the free drinks.” Nicky laughed at Shane’s scowl and stepped closer, poked his nose. “Come on, I’m teasing. Really, I hope you get to do it. You deserve it. I’ll be there to support you.”

“Thanks.” Their faces were close together, mere centimetres apart. Shane licked his lips, felt it twitch. Nicky looked down at Shane’s lips in the tipsy moment of temptation. Nicky slowly leaned in a bit, until the music stopped and Simon went on stage to take the microphone. “Shit. Well, a… a bit later?” Shane whispered, and Nicky smirked as he snaked an arm around Shane’s lean waist, just holding him and smiling into kind eyes with a sneaky undertone of lust.

“Definitely. Now, listen to your boss, Filan. How rude.” Nicky kissed Shane’s forehead, watched him melt into it before they both turned to the stage and listened silently for a while – arm still holding a waist that curled into him.

“…And, ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming to the stage, the star of tonight and many nights to come; Shane Filan.”

“Shit, I didn’t prepare a speech.” Shane froze for a minute and whispered in the middle of clapping people.

“Just say what’s on your mind. You’ll be fine. Go on.” Nicky tapped Shane’s bum a couple times and urged him, watched him march to the stage.

“Hey, everyone. Ehm.” Shane looked down and saw Nicky’s encouraging beam. He felt safe, comforted – too much, he supposed. “I just wanted to say thanks for coming tonight. It means a lot. This is a really special day for me; something that I’ve dreamed of ever since I was this tiny eight year old who use to imitate Michael Jackson all the time. I used to get in trouble for it at school, actually, for being a psycho fan. Ehm.”

There was a series of light titters around the room. His muscles could relax a bit more. He chuckled in response too.

“Yeah. And now I get to do this myself and it’s just… it’s an absolute dream come true. My first album. That’s mental. If I could do this forever, I would. I don’t know how well it’s gonna do in the charts and stuff but regardless of the result, I want to thank everyone who has helped me get to this stage. I couldn’t have done it on my own, and I really mean that. I have too many people to thank but um… first of all, Simon, thank you for believing in me and pushing me to be the best I can be. The entire record label, the support has been incredible. And Liam, my manager, thanks for everything, mate. It’s always nice to know that people have faith in me. My family and all my friends back home whom I miss terribly. And uh…” Shane cleared his throat. “Finally, Nicky.”

Nicky’s face lit up, the warmest wave flowing over his chest and engulfing his heart whole. Their eyes locked, and Nicky raised his glass for a second.

“Nicky, thank you for everything. Thanks for always being there for me. I was so scared to come out of the closet and do all this but… with you beside me, I feel like I can do it. I can get through it. I can do anything with you. I’m so glad I met you.” Shane wasn’t lying. There wasn’t a single lie in this. “And um… yeah, I love you, Nico. With all my heart, I love you.” Fuck. Nicky choked back a sob. “Cheers, everyone.”

Shane took a sip on stage then went back down straight to Nicky, receiving a warm hug. “That was so sweet.”

“Yeah? Well, I meant it. Seriously. Thank you for everything.” Their fingers entwined. None of them reached out first.

“Thank you too. Now all we have left is for you to take off! Remember what I told you? Meteor Awards. BRIT Awards. Whatever. It’s coming for you. I can feel it.”

“Aw–“

“Not there yet.” A deep voice cut their conversation, Simon’s hand put on Shane’s shoulders with a smug lopsided grin on his lips. “Congratulations, kiddo.”

“Thanks, Simon.”

“We’ll see how this album goes. Then we’ll decide what to do afterwards.”

“Like the tour?” Shane’s eyes sparkled.

Simon just shrugged. “We’ll see what happens. Don’t get ahead of yourself.” And that sparkle was destroyed in two seconds. His lips thinned and timid fingers squeezed Nicky’s. Nicky narrowed his eyes. “Just do as I say until then.”

“Right.” Shane choked out with a small nod. He felt Nicky squeeze back.

“Enjoy the party and go home together to the same place tonight. I’m sure there are cameras around. Okay?” Shane nodded, and Simon clapped his shoulder before walking away.

Shane let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding and let go of Nicky’s hand, took a long swig of champagne. Nicky scowled.

“I’ve never liked him. He’s such a dick.”

“I suppose. I don’t know. He’s alright.”

“Are you serious? Did you not hear the way he was talking to you? He patronises you all the bloody time.”

Shane shrugged. “I can put up with it.”

“You shouldn’t have to. Don’t let him treat you like that. Just because he’s powerful doesn’t mean he can treat you like shit.”

“Come on, please, not… not here. Okay? Let’s just enjoy this.”

Nicky pursed his lips, studied Shane who looked down and into his empty glass, fiddling with it. “Fine.” He sighed and downed the rest of his champagne. “Should we go to yours or mine tonight?”

“Whichever you prefer.” Shane didn’t even look at Nicky. He just ordered another drink.

“Let’s go to mine then.” Shane nodded. He looked a bit distracted. Eyes lost at a distance and fingers fiddling with each other. “Are you alright?”

“Mhm.” He took a sip when the new drink was handed to him.

“Look, if it’s me, I’m sorry. I-“

“No, Nicky, it’s not you.” Shane finally looked up, an empty look in his eyes and a tiny twitch of his lips. “You’re helping, actually. I’m glad you’re here. I’m just… I’ve had a pretty long day. And I’m shitting myself for tomorrow. I want to go home.”

“Well, want to make a run for it then?” The cheeky spring in Nicky’s tone made Shane chuckle.

“Nicky, this party’s for _my_ album. I can’t just disappear.”

“Of course you can. You’ve already made a speech. People will remember that. It’s fine. I’m taking you home.”

Nicky grabbed the drink in Shane’s hand and put in on the counter, replacing it with his own hand. Shane bit down the sudden urge to pull that hand in and feel soft lips against his. It was probably the alcohol clouding his mind.

“And maybe we can finish the kiss that we couldn’t finish before. Show the bedrooms a good time.”

Oh. Shane swallowed hard. “You mean your fifteen thousand bedrooms? That sounds like a lot of cum.”

With a complacent grin, Nicky shrugged and looked up from underneath his eyelashes.

***

Shane couldn’t breathe with Nicky’s tongue down his throat, devouring him with his back pushed up against the fridge. They couldn’t even make it to one of the bedrooms. Had no time. Had no patience. He’d rather not breathe than have to wait a couple seconds to run to the bedroom. Wasn’t worth it.

Nicky’s hand rushed down, fumbled open Shane’s suit pants and let it fall to the knees. He shoved his hand in tight boxer briefs, and Shane had to break off the kiss this time, had to gasp when Nicky’s warm hands massaged his balls. Heavy breaths dominated the small space between them

“God, Nicky… Feels so good.”

“Shhh. It’s about to feel much better.” Nicky smirked and got down on his knees, impatiently engulfing the hard flesh in front of him.

A talented tongue danced as his head bobbed, and Shane leaned his head back on the fridge, bracing himself against the cold surface.

With one, two, three slides of the tongue, euphoria swam around in his head and made him lose sight of himself. He forgot everything – the pressure to sell all the albums in the world, the need to nail every single note in every single performance, the exhausting cycle of smiling in front of a million cameras that Simon put him in front of. Nicky allowed him to forget about that.

A sly hand trailed up his leg, up the inside of his thigh that forced a tremble through his spine, until he reached tightened balls. Nicky rolled them in his palm. Gave them an occasional tug that shot a grunt out of Shane’s clumped throat.

“Come back up here. Not gonna last if you keep doing that.”

An obscenely wet _pop_ went off when Nicky stood back up, only to replace the emptiness with Shane’s swollen lips.

“Bend me over. Fuck me.” Shane whispered through the kisses.

Nicky dragged Shane along before he could catch his breath. And it looked like he wasn’t going to be able to catch it any time soon. Nicky shoved his shoulder. He lurched forward and was bent over the kitchen countertop. Felt his body obey to Nicky’s foot kicking his legs apart. Oh, so Nicky could be rough like this. A tornado of arousal paralysed his brain.

“Want me to fuck you? You want it?” Shane heard a voice that he’d never heard before, growling in his ear before a tongue flicked out to tease his earlobe.

Nicky sunk down on his knees again and dampened Shane’s crack. Felt him shudder against the path of his tongue. He slid his hand up the inside of a tense thigh, drawing amorphous patterns as his tongue and fingers prepped a passage that he would split apart any minute now.

“You ready?” The words vibrated against Shane’s sensitive skin until he could mumble a desperate _yes_.

Nicky stood up to fetch a condom and roll it on himself, adding an extra layer of lube. He pushed forward into the tight entrance, felt Shane shudder around his cock with a moan deflating his voice.

Without giving the boy enough time to adjust, Nicky rocked his hips and hit the walls that were like command buttons for Shane’s rhythmic grunts.

“Nicky…” The soft plead in Shane’s voice made Nicky’s balls tight.

“Say my name,” Nicky murmured through the tight passage of his throat and explored Shane’s ass with his hand, feeling the soft skin clench underneath his touches.

“Nick,” Shane obliged, then- _slap._ That sharp sting vibrated through to his brain. A sort of pain that he didn’t expect to find so pleasurable.

“That okay?” Nicky asked, his fingers squeezing the red spot that he’d just hit, his hips not knowing to slow down.

“Do that again.” Nicky’s palm struck down a second time, on the same spot that radiated heat, and that pain shot straight through his cock. He had to stop jerking himself off for a second. Almost came. “Fuck, that’s good.”

Nicky obliged with another swift whip of his hand before he rocked harder with more power than he ever thought he could pull together. Shane writhed, obscene moans that escaped and almost overcame the sound of skin slapping against skin every time Nicky thrust forward through an abused tunnel.

“You close?” Nicky managed to pant in between his grunts of exertion. Saw Shane nod furiously but still push back onto him, wanting to feel those thrusts as raw as he could. Nicky couldn’t help but smile at that. He slapped him hard again.

“Too close… Nicky, ah-“ With another spank that echoed through the house, Shane threw his head back with a sharp gasp. A few more pumps of his own hardness, he couldn’t hold it any longer. He came as Nicky was still pounding into him, driving into his flesh hard until Nicky couldn’t hold onto his mind too.

After that husky howl, the high of the orgasm ebbed, sending another shiver down Shane’s spine as he slid out through sensitive nerves. They were both busy trying to catch their breaths, and Shane popped himself up on the countertop, the coldness a soothing contrast to the temperature of the spots Nicky had smacked. Nicky disposed the condom and stood in between Shane’s legs, pressed a kiss on his smile.

“Jesus, that was…”

“Amazing? Breath-taking? Unforgettable? Thanks.” Gentle laughter swelled Nicky’s peony pink cheeks.

“Cocky. But correct. We should do that more often.” Shane winked and arched up to peck the swell with his lips. “Definitely worth running from the party.”


	5. Five

“Hello?” Nicky picked up his phone.

“Hey, it’s Shane. You won! Congratulations.”

Nicky smiled, tried to hear Shane’s voice over his high-fiving teammates in the locker room. “Aw, thanks. It was a good game. And you too – the album! Doing pretty well so far.”

“Cheers. Yeah. I’m really happy with it. It’s been mental.” He could hear Shane excitement, just barely over all the whooping men around him. “Jesus, it’s loud in there. Where are you?”

“Locker room. Getting ready to shower and stuff. It’s fecking smelly in here.”

“Well, yeah. A bunch of sweaty men – what do you expect?”

“Exactly.” Nicky laughed. “I’m gonna go get cleaned up. You’re coming to Wednesday’s game, right?”

“Yeah, for sure. I’ll be there.” Shane heard another million whoops. “I should probably let ye go. Go enjoy the win, and I’ll see you soon.”

“Right. Seeya.” They hung up, and Nicky bit down on his smile as he packed the phone away and gathered a towel.

He entered the shower booths, which weren’t even booths. There were shower heads lined along a wall. No partitions, no nothing. Before, Nicky didn’t mind at all. He grew up doing this. Barely took any notice of it over the years. Now, it was different. Not because of him, but the other teammates rather, and he couldn’t really pinpoint how much that hurt. He would receive weird patronising looks – looks of tension, of self-consciousness and purposeful distance. Nicky even sensed a low fear sometimes from a small handful of the other players. It was ridiculous.

He hated this part. Always.

“Um, Nico,” Zack called from beside him when he turned on a shower head. Nicky tried hard to not roll his eyes. It was like an automatic reflex to fucking _Zack._ Asshole player from the CBD of London, thinking he was the best striker in the entire history of Leeds United, or of the Premier League. One of those “oh I’m not homophobic but…” people. Nicky swore he could have punched his guts more than a couple times. Kian actually did once, he remembered. Got banned from practice for a week. It was hilarious.

“Yeah?”

“You mind using _that_ shower?” Zack pointed at the one further down, and Nicky wanted to break that finger.

“I think I’m good with this one, thanks.”

“I just feel uncomf-“

“Oh lay off it, Zachary.” Kian. Bless his soul. He turned on the shower next to Nicky’s and shot Zack a glare.

Nicky smiled gratefully, tried to seem unbothered. In the end, Zack was the one who moved. Mindful looks from the other teammates were shown in his direction but Nicky just looked away. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with that. Didn’t even know how to.

“Thanks.” Nicky whispered to Kian, running shampoo through his hair.

“Nah. He’s being an eejit. As always. Just gonna nick some.” Kian squeezed Nicky’s shampoo on his hands. “Seriously though, don’t mind him.”

“I won’t. It’s fine.”

Kian had an odd smile on his face. One of those sympathetic ones that made Nicky want to hug him. They knew exactly how the other was feeling with the tick of the tips of lips. Kian looked like he wanted to say something, but he just let it go, nodding.

Never had Nicky finished his shower that quickly before he said a quick goodbye and got the hell out of there. He realised he didn’t even get all the soap out when he got home. He took another shower.

***

The immediate feeling that washed over Nicky got when he opened the door was worry. There was Shane, due on stage in half an hour, and he was lying down on the couch, eyes closed with wilting arms coming up to cover his face.

“Shay?” Nicky sat down on the floor right beside him, lifting up the arms a little to see a pale face. “What’s wrong?”

Shane forced his eyes open. “Think I’m coming down with the flu or something. Not feeling well.”

Nicky put his palm over Shane’s forehead. Definitely warmer than usual. “You shouldn’t go on like this. Can’t you tell someone?”

Shane shook his head. “Simon’s here tonight. I need to go up.”

Urgh. Simon fucking Cowell. Of course, when Simon was working his ass too much and sending him to all the bloody work he could get. Of course, he would be unwell. Nicky held back a sigh. “I swear you’re going to faint or something.”

“I won’t. I just need to lie down. I’ll be fine by the time I need to go on.” Shane shuffled over on the couch and held out his arm. “Can you just… hold me for a bit?”

Nicky lied down beside him in a heartbeat, resting his head on Shane’s bicep and holding him by the waist, brushing a soft kiss on pink cheeks. “For as long as you need.”

***

“ _And some days you wake up, and feel like you need love…”_

Nicky winced when Shane’s voice cracked at the high note. Again when he mixed up a few words of the lyrics to ‘About You’. That underlying look of panic in shattered hazel eyes made Nicky’s toes curl knowing he couldn’t do a single thing, but Shane managed to finish his set with a popstar smile pinned on his paled face and when the set was done, Nicky rushed to the dressing room.

When Shane opened the door, he was already near tears.

“Don’t worry about it.” He didn’t need to ask if he was okay. There was no point.

“What did I just do up there? I… That’s never happened before. I’ve never…”

Nicky darted towards him and brought his arms around the shaking boy. He understood it. That first mistake. Nicky’s first game with his team was horrendous. Lost by 4 – 0. He thought he was going to get sent home or get benched for the rest of his career. It was the same thing for Shane, he imagined.

“It was a mistake. And you’re _sick_. It’s not your fault, love.” Shane still looked down at his feet. It didn’t seem to help. “You just need to let it go. And you still finished like a pro. You should be proud of yoursel-“

The door flung open before Nicky could comfort him. Simon marched in. Nicky could already see what would happen. Shane immediately stripped himself from Nicky, his hands behind his back and his eyeline a bit too low.

“Wasn’t your best performance, kid.” Simon seemed composed, his hands hidden in his pockets, and Nicky would have been impressed if Shane didn’t look like he wanted to run for it. That lethal low voice gripped around Shane’s ankles and bound him.

“I’m sorry.” That was almost a whisper, the confident voice being swallowed back down to the tips of his toes.

“What were you thinking up there? Your vocals were horrible. And you didn’t even look like you wanted to be there.” Simon’s tone seemed to sharpen with every word. Business left him. Or maybe that was the business in him.

“I… I wasn’t thinking. I just wasn’t feeling good and-“ A cold piercing _slap_ made Shane’s face whip to the side, his hand coming up to clutch around the pain in shock. When he pulled his hand back, he saw a dab of blood, it throbbing where Simon’s shiny rings cut his lips.

Nicky glared up, his face red and fists rolled as he took an aggravated step forward. “Mate, who the fuck do you think you are to-“

“Nicky,” a desperate hand grabbed at his wrists, “don’t. Please.”

Simon looked in between them. He didn’t even look remotely sorry, and that made Nicky grind his teeth. He took a step back. Not for himself. For Shane. Sweetly wounded Shane who just needed a hug and some comforting words to move on. If it weren’t for Shane, he swore he could’ve easily punched the nose off that guy.

“Just weren’t feeling good? That’s not an excuse.” Simon had a steady venomous glare, like a snake eyeing its prey. “Get yourself together, Shane. I’m disappointed in you.”

“Sorry.”

Shane bit down on the insides of his mouth. Without another word or look, Simon turned and slammed the door on his way out. The air was tough, like they were being strangled. Shane brought a hand on his cheek to rub the lingering soreness.

“Jesus Christ… Are you okay?” Nicky examined Shane’s bleeding lip, saw poor eyes brim with tears.

“All good. I’m fine.” He attempted at a smile which only made Nicky’s shoulders heavier. The grimace on Nicky’s face made him try to smile wider. “Seriously. It’s fine. Simon’s just… being Simon.” He sighed and shook his head. “Is it what it is, you know?”

“No, I _don’t_ know. He can’t fucking do that to you.”

“Just lay off it. I’m alright.” Shane walked past Nicky to plonk down on the couch, dabbing at his lip with a tissue and hissing at the sting.

“Shane…” Nicky also sat down, handing over a couple more tissue pieces. “The guy’s an asshole. You shouldn’t have to take it.”

He just shrugged and Nicky felt fire burn in the pit of his stomach. How Shane could care so less after that was beyond him. “It’s fine. It’s business. It’s working. That’s all that matters.”

“Yeah, but he _hit_ you. Don’t just accept that. You made a mistake. So what? It’s not the end of the fucking world.”

Another irritating shrug. “My fault. I deserved it.”

“No, you didn’t. You-“

“Stop,” Shane snapped. “I know it’s probably not the healthiest relationship, I’m aware of that, but… I owe him. He built my entire world for me, you know? I owe him my whole life. If Simon didn’t sign me, who knows where I would be right now?”

“With a good record label that actually respects you and doesn’t fucking slap you.”

“Not as good as Simon. He’s the king in this field. So what if he’s an arse? I’ll take the bloody slap – I don’t care. He can beat the living crap out of me. I… I’m not leaving. If I leave him, I’m nothing, Nicky. I’m just… I’ll end up being a has-been who can’t move on after being stupid enough to leave the biggest man in music. I’m not letting that happen.”

“Sweetie…” Thick air filled his throat and corked in his words. He didn’t have anything to say to that. Shane’s honesty, that raw dedication, that idiotic stubbornness. But when it came to stubbornness, Nicky wasn’t one to lose. “You’ll be fine without him. You’ll be _better_ without him. He sees you as a big pile of money. You don’t deserve that.”

“Look, I can take care of myself, okay? Mind your own business. I know what I’m doing. And _he_ certainly knows what he’s doing.” Hostility overtook Shane’s warm voice.

“I’m just looking out for you. I care about you, okay? I’m worried. It’s–“

“Just shut up. You have no idea what you’re talking about.” Sharp eyes darted up and glared into Nicky’s. “I’m not a kid. I know what’s good for me and what’s not. I don’t need anyone to tell me what to do.”

“Well, you clearly need _someone_ to tell you these things.” Nicky sniped back. “You’re letting him walk all over you! Don’t you have self-respect?”

“You’re not my real fucking boyfriend! You have no right to say stuff like that. You’re just a public accessory. You’re _nothing_ to me.” Nicky’s face fell, and in that immediate second, Shane regretted what he impetuously spat out.

Nicky stared back, hurt scraping the edges of his softened eyes, forehead creasing. “Nothing?”

“No, not… not nothing.” Shane mumbled. His gaze lowered in shame and an inch of his skin burned with every second that Nicky wordlessly glared at him. “I didn’t mean it.”

“Just because you say that, it doesn’t make it okay.” Nicky’s tone was rough through his gritted teeth.

“I know, I…” Shane ran an unsteady hand through his hair, felt shots of tingles travel up his arms.

“Forget it. Do whatever the fuck you want. See if I care.” Nicky stood up, was just about to leave when he turned back. “I thought you were better than this, Shane.”

Nicky’s calm tone hurt even more. Shane felt a lump in his throat and before he could swallow it to say something, Nicky had already stormed out the door.


	6. Six

Nicky took a quick scan through the private box seats after finishing his match. Shane wasn’t there. He hadn’t come to a single game in a bit over a month, hadn’t gotten a call or anything from him since that night he stormed off. But Shane was on TV all day and every day since the album came out, running around doing interviews and singing love songs. He was really flying now. Album sales were rocketing and his popularity was growing by the day.

Bittersweet daggers stabbed him every time he watched Shane do an interview. In every single one, Shane would get a probing question about their relationship, and he would reply with cute things like “I’m a better person when I’m with him” and “he’s my best friend” and “I love him”.

But Shane wasn’t here to watch him play for over a month, or to make him dinner and have long talks, or to be holding his hand while being trapped in this ridiculous bubble together. That made Nicky feel more bare and lonely than he’d expected, like a hole was dug out of him and he had no choice but to sit there in silence, bearing it.

“Where’s your boy, Nix? Haven’t seen him in a while.” Kian nudged him as they changed out of sweaty uniform in their locker rooms.

“He’s busy. His schedule’s absolutely packed, so…”

“Yeah, I see him on every bloody TV channel all the time. Getting sick of the lad’s face.” Kian chuckled. “You know my baby sister’s a huge fan, right? You think maybe I can get a signed album for her?”

“Sure, um… I’ll talk to him. I’m sure I can sort it out for you.” There was a weird twitch of his eyes when he said that - an ominous sense that shadowed his pupils.

“Cheers, mate. Good game today.” He received a pat on his slumped shoulders. “Coming on the bus?”

“Nah. I have plans.” He didn’t, really. He just didn’t want to be on a bus full of excited people.

“Alright well, I’ll see you in a couple days then.”

“Yeah. Take care, Ki.”

The door closed and Nicky was left alone in the locker room. He sat himself down on the bench, leaned his head back onto the wall, a football trapped underneath his right foot, and dragged out a long, slow sigh.

If it was any other day, his childish competitiveness would have gotten the better of him and he’d be hopping around everywhere after winning the game – shoulders back and head held up a bit too high. He wouldn’t be here, sitting on his own in an emptied locker room and feeling like he only had half a heart.

He didn’t know why he wanted to see Shane so much. Why he wanted to hear that cheery voice say ‘congratulations!’ for winning the game, why he wanted to see a smile beam like the Sun and blind him, why he wanted him _here_ to lean on.

This whole thing was pretend. Fucking _fake_. They had papers to establish that. As long as the public were oblivious, none of this mattered, technically. He shouldn’t be too bothered about Shane not calling for a month. He shouldn’t be too bothered about their quarrel – which could have easily been avoided, the more he thought about it night and day. Nicky could’ve kept quiet and not stepped in shoes that didn’t fit him.

He fished out his phone and flipped it open, typing.

 **Can I call u?** _Delete._

**I think we should talk about this** _Delete._

**Please call me. Im sorry about last time.** _Delete._

**Can we talk?** _Delete._

He couldn’t count how many times he’d tried to do this for the past month. He always gave up in the end. Didn’t know what to say. What Shane would say. He fiddled around with the ball at his feet, pondering. With a grunt, he flipped the phone back down and shoved it in his pocket. Yet again.

***

Shane was due on stage in fifteen minutes but here he was, tossed over the toilet bowl and retching. His knees were buried in the hard tiles as he emptied his stomach – every single burning depth of it with his lunch and last night’s vodka from a crew night out coming back up to bite him in the ass.

The bathroom was spinning when he was done, and he fell back against the cubicle wall, resting his head back and trying to suck air back into his deflated lungs.

He’d been watching Nicky’s game when Liam knocked on his door to tell him he had to go up soon. He’d felt sick, suddenly. He had to go up there. By himself. In front of all those people. Thousands of eyes on him and only him. Usually, he wouldn’t get this nervous. Performing was his favourite thing. But the past month had been a bit different. Nerves were always there, with no one there to talk him up and hold his hand… Then he was bolting for the bathroom.

He felt pathetic. Helpless. Leaning on the tight cubicle walls and trying to catch his breath back, he wanted a hug. He wanted someone to pat his head, tell him that he could do this. That he wasn’t alone. That it was going to be okay.

Nicky.

He wanted Nicky to do that. Precious Nicky whom he got angry at for no real reason. Precious Nicky, only worried for him and looked out for him like no one else did. Precious Nicky whom he hadn’t talked to in over a month because of stupid popstar pride.

Shane wanted him to whisper consoling words in his ears as he cried on a strong shoulder. Everything else could fuck off.

He sighed and flipped open his phone.

***

Five more minutes, Nicky thought to himself, running on the treadmill. Sweat dripped down his face, down his neck, down his chest that thumped to the rhythm from his earphones.

It was always nice; running. To take himself away from everything and to just focus on the way his legs moved, the way his feet connected with the ground without distractions like-

_Brrrrrring._

Like that. Nicky swore under his breath that he was yet to catch. He stopped the machine and yanked out his earphones to answer the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hi. It’s me.”

“Oh. Um, hey.” Shit. Shane. It was Shane. A low, careful, weak voice. Nicky dabbed his face with a towel and sat down. “So uh… you- how are you? How’ve you been?”

“Alright, I guess. Congratulations on winning the game. I was watching it backstage.”

“You were?”

“Mhm. I’ve been watching all the games, actually. You were really good; as always.”

“Thanks.” Nicky chewed on his bottom lip. “Congratulations on the album too. I’m happy for you. I… I was gonna send some flowers or something at least but…” He trailed off.

“Cheers, man. I’ve been… talking about you a lot in interviews.” Nicky heard Shane’s voice tremble a bit. He felt oddly comforted by that – the odd feeling that maybe it meant as much to Shane as it did to him.

“I’ve been watching too, yeah. You said a lot of nice things. I appreciate it.”

“Made me think about you a lot. I think I miss you. Which is weird.” Shane cleared his throat, a blanket of hesitation thick in the air. “Look, I called to say that… that you’re not _nothing_. And I’m really sorry I said it. I didn’t mean it. I was just angry.” Nicky suddenly felt like crying. “We haven’t known each other for that long but you’re… you’re a big part of me now. And one of the best things in my life. Genuinely.”

Nicky didn’t reply. He just hummed. Felt like he shouldn’t give in too easily, even though the wound had already scabbed and all he wanted was a hug. A few seconds of uncomfortable silence followed.

“I’m sorry.” Shane filled it, as hard as it was for every word he uttered. “I shouldn’t have snapped like that. And I probably shouldn’t have taken a month to call you either. Bit stupid of me.”

“A bit.” Nicky heard Shane chuckle on the other side. That made his insides tingle.

“Yeah. I’m sorry about everything. I was having a tough day and it was all just…” He trailed off and Nicky closed the gap for him.

“No, I get it. I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to storm out like that. And… you’re one of the best things in my life too. It’s weird, but it’s true.”

“I missed you.” Shane crooned, that voice relaxed as soon as he said it, and Nicky almost welled up. He wondered if there was a way to feel Shane’s lips through the phone.

“Missed you too. I feel like I haven’t heard your voice in a lifetime.”

“Yeah, me too. It’s nice.” Nicky heard Shane let out a shuddering breath, felt it tingle his spine. “So are we good?”

“We’re good.” At Nicky’s reply, Shane let out a sigh of relief. Nicky felt the muscles in his body relax too – didn’t realise they were tense. “Right then, for real, how’ve you been? What did you get up to?”

“Album promo, mostly. A bit of writing. And oh! I’ve been dying to tell you,” Shane’s tone was much higher, soaring with Nicky’s bemused heart. “I’m going on tour. All over the UK and Ireland.”

Nicky gasped with widened eyes, wished he was next to the boy right now to hug him tight. “Shit, really? That’s amazing! And you didn’t tell me!”

“Yeah, well.” Shane scoffed. “Stupid pride. I heard like right after our fight and I didn’t think I should call you so soon.”

“Such a prick.” Nicky joked.

“I really wanted to though! You were the first person I wanted to tell. To hear you be all excited and happy for me,” if anyone had ever invented a way to hear a smile through phone speakers, Nicky thought he was the one, “I couldn’t wait. But, you know. It is what it is. At least I get to tell you now.”

They were back to normal, like the fight didn’t even happen. They were good. It felt like how it used to be when they went over to each other’s places for the first time and ended up talking for hours through the night and learnt everything about each other. Nicky allowed himself to smile in another moment of relief.

“I’m so happy for you, Shay. You so deserve it. Do I get free passes?”

“Only the best, love. Triple A.”

“You’re the best boyfriend ever.” Shane’s laugh echoed in his ear. And he was pretty sure that it was the most beautiful sound in the world. Even more after being deprived for a month. “Oh, if we’re going to Ireland, my parents are probably going to want to meet you, if that’s alright.”

“Fair enough. Mine too. We can pull it off, it’s fine.”

“Yeah. Plenty of practice.”

“Right, well.” Shane’s voice was defenceless. No tremble in it at all. They were going to be okay. “I’ll probably be busy with tour preparations and stuff but I’m sure I’ll see you soon.”

“I’m sure you will.”

They were going to be okay.

***

5th of July, 2003. It was Shane’s birthday.

After training, Nicky thought he’d surprise Shane and drop by at tour rehearsals. With a chocolate cake he knew Shane loved, he phoned him when he got to the studio.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me. Are you at rehearsals?”

There were sounds of guitars strumming in the background, and a half-attentive Shane who hummed a distracted reply.

“Do you have time to meet me?”

“Nicky, I’m swamped. Sorry.”

“Just two seconds, I promise. Please? I’m literally right outside the studio.”

“Wait, what? Hang on. _Jimmy, shush for a sec!”_ Then Shane came back to the phone. “What do you mean you’re outside the studio?”

“Just come out.” Nicky hung up, felt a silly smile on his lips as he climbed out the car and sat on the hood, the cake still held tight in his hands. Shane bounced out a minute later, a bemused smile on pretty pink lips as he walked up and pulled Nicky into a hug.

“What are you doing here?”

“It’s your birthday. As your boyfriend, I couldn’t just let it slide.” Nicky chuckled and passed him the cake, smiling when Shane eyes lit up in a warm gold. “Happy birthday, darling.”

“Aw, you didn’t have to do this. You’re so sweet. Thank you.” He was pulled into another hug, then invited into the studio.

***

Shane’s band had been lovely, like Nicky’s team were too when welcoming him. Jimmy, who looked like he was the head of a bikie gang with that long ginger beard and slicked back hair but who was actually the brightest ball of sunshine. Ben, who was basically a slimmer version of Jimmy. Matthew and Ian, both shy and giggly when telling Nicky that they were massive fans of Leeds United. Nicky signed things for them.

The happy birthday song had been adorable with Shane’s cheeks lit up and clapping along through the celebration. And the cake had been devoured in five minutes – six hungry men, of course it wouldn’t take long.

“Seriously, thank you. I didn’t expect this at all. You’re amazing.” Shane kissed Nicky’s cheek and blushed when his bandmates went _aww_ in unison like a crap TV audience. “Love you.”

“Love you too.” Nicky returned the kiss. “Are the rehearsals still going? Sing me something.”

“Do you have any requests?”

“Mmm… Always Tomorrow. I like that one.”

The band got up on cue, and Shane held Nicky’s hand throughout the song.


	7. Seven

Nicky showed his AAA pass and was led backstage, through the complicated corridors, through busy staff members stopping to take a photo with him then rushing off again. Opening night of the tour, he guessed it was bound to be a bit chaotic.

He stopped in front of Shane’s dressing room and knocked.

No answer. He knocked again, but still didn’t hear anything. He waited a couple seconds before slowly opening the door.

A small figure was hunched over, elbows on the table, head held in hands. He didn’t even seem to notice Nicky walking in. Nicky’s stomach clenched.

“Shane? Are you okay?” He stepped up and put a cautious hand on Shane’s shoulder.

Shane heaved out a breath before he lifted his head, eyes that looked like they spent time alone crying. “I’m fine. Sorry, I’m just… I don’t know. I don’t know if I can do this.”

“Sweetie,” Nicky pulled a chair and sat close, “you practised so hard for this. All those rehearsals, I’ve seen them. And you were brilliant.”

“Those were _rehearsals_. This is the real thing. I flew my entire family over. There are a thousand people out there waiting _just_ for me and I…” He couldn’t find the words to complete the sentence, to articulate this cluster of feelings tangling in his mind. He didn’t even know what he was feeling himself. Apprehensive. Inadequate. Suffocated. Overwhelmed.

Shane chest rose and fell with a heavy breath that didn’t do much to calm him down.

Nicky couldn’t find the words either. He just pulled the boy in close, felt tense muscles fighting to let go against the embrace. “You’re not going to fuck it up. I believe in you. And I know you know it yourself. Just let yourself find it.”

Letting out a shuddering sigh, Shane closed his eyes. Nicky pulled back to kiss them, then the top of Shane’s hand. He rubbed it with his thumb, heartbroken about how a slight tremble remained in the tips of his fingers.

“Can you get me a bottle of water, please?”

“Of course.” Nicky stood up and fetched one from the table of riders. He watched Shane chug it down like he’d never tasted water before.

***

When Shane had walked out for the first time, the screams hitting him like the strongest tsunami, he immediately got the feeling that it was going to be okay. It was like a cheesy big-screen moment. This was _all_ going to be okay.

He had looked up occasionally at Nicky’s seat, saw the beaming smile of support, and watching him and the crowd sing along to every word to every song, it was like iron wrapping around his heart. Unbreakable.

He would give up everything for this – already _had_ given up everything for this. Singing was his life, forever and always.

***

“Which show are you looking forward to the most?” Nicky whispered, squeezed into Shane’s bunk bed on the tour bus as they travelled to the next stop. They tried to not wake up the sleeping band.

Shane’s arm was around Nicky’s shoulder, playing with silky blonde hair and his other hand in between his head and the pillow. “Dunno,” he whispered back, “Ro said Belfast is always a bit crazy. So that sounds like fun.”

“Who’s Ro?”

“Ronan.”

“As in Keating?” Shane gave off a cocky grin with his nod and Nicky widened his eyes. “You know Ronan Keating?!”

“Shhhh! Keep your voice down. You’re gonna wake them.” Shane laughed as he looked over Nicky to check that the others were still asleep. “Yeah, I know him. He’s really cool, actually. Good craic. He gave me a lot of advice and stuff at the start. Now we’re mates.”

“Oh my god, that’s awesome. I love him.”

“Such a fanboy.” Shane said with a smirk.

“Shut up.” He got a playful glare in return. “Is he as good looking in real life?”

“Gah, I die every time.” Shane dramatically grabbed his chest and Nicky tried to cork in a laugh.

“So Belfast?”

“Yeah. London too. Pretty iconic.” Then Shane’s lips bent into a slow careful smile, like he couldn’t believe what he was about to say. It was precious. “But Dublin will probably blow me away the most. My own show in my home country. That’ll be incredible, right?”

“Without a doubt.” Nicky inched up a bit to kiss him on the cheek. “Think I might cry in the audience.”

“You better.” Shane warned with a grin that slowly faded away when Nicky cupped his jaw, a soft palm brushing the line, blue eyes glowing in the dark tour bus. “Um, so-”

The gap was gone. They were soft, Nicky’s lips. Always were. If Shane could feel them until the second of his death, he would. In a single heartbeat, he’d say _yes_. A tongue gently caressed his bottom lip, asking for shy permission, and of course, _yes._

Through a slow and careful motion, Nicky lifted himself to be on top of Shane, his knees on either side of the boy as he felt hands come around his waist and pull him down closer. They dared not to moan. They couldn’t wake up the band positioned like this.

Nicky quickly scanned their sleeping states before looking back down at Shane with a sly smirk. He could see the hazel glow in the dark tour bus, and he couldn’t resist slithering a hand down Shane’s pants. Shane gasped then pressed down on his mouth with his hand, harder when Nicky palmed his erection.

“Nicky…” He whispered and arched up into the warm hand.

“Shhh.” Nicky pushed Shane’s pants down to his knees before doing the same to his own. He was getting hard too. Fuck. “Keep quiet, okay?”

Shane nodded. Almost broke the promise already when Nicky grinded. Sensitive skin rubbing against each other in a furious cycle, tongue coming back deep in his mouth, all moans held captive at the pit of their stirring stomachs.

He heard Nicky biting off his name, a strong breath being released on the corner of his lips with the warmth lingering there for not as long as Shane wanted it to. But he didn’t have time to focus on that. Nicky’s mouth trailed a path towards his chest, a cheeky tongue flicking out to meet his hardened nipple. He bit down hard on his lips.

Before he could focus on the way Nicky’s tongue flexed against his skin, his attention was stolen by Nicky’s hand, snaking down his body, fisting and stroking flesh that could shoot any minute now.

They didn’t know why they kept doing this – fooling around. It was a weird dynamic, but it was easy. The world thought they were in love. It was easy to go along with it. It wasn’t like they hated each other. No. Not at all.

Shane came with a rough bite down on his lips. Was quite sure a vein almost popped trying to keep that howl inside. Nicky succeeded shortly after.

The rest of the night was just as silent, lying in each other’s arms and breathing each other’s air to a matching rhythm. Peaceful and calm with the bus taking them further.

***

Belfast was _insane_ , to say the least. Nicky was lucky enough to rush on a plane straight after his match just in time. Ronan was right about Belfast, with the godly face of him. Jesus, Nicky could lick chocolate pudding off it and die right there. But it wasn’t about Ronan. It was about Shane. Shane, whom he could hold with the life of him and caress with every drop of his soul. They only had a few months left. They tried not to think about it.

Instead, they drove through the familiar streets of Dublin. Of Ireland. Home sweet home. Nicky tried to focus on the road and put Shane’s excitement second. That was hard.

“Oh my god, look! Nicky! Look! Do you see that? Fuck!” Shane shook Nicky’s arm, pointing outside the car window at the name _‘Shane Filan’_ displayed in lights at the Olympia Theatre.

“Yes, I see it, Shane.” Shane looked like a happiest proudest puppy on Earth, ready to hop around everywhere and wag his tail at everything. Nicky couldn’t help but laugh. “Jesus, you need to calm down.”

“I can’t calm down! The Olympia. I’m headlining. This is… And sold out too. This is fucking insane.” His head did a 180 degree turn as he tried to catch every glimpse of it that he could until they drove far enough for it to be a dot.

“It is insane, and you deserve every bit of it.”

“God. I can’t believe this.” Shane finally faced the front, a deflating chuckle making him mould back to his seat. “And thanks for coming along. I like that you’re here.”

“Any time. And I’m not just here because I have to be. You know that, right? I _want_ to be here. I wouldn’t miss this for the world.” Nicky looked sideways at Shane. Saw beautiful hazel eyes stare back – so full and alive.

“I know. And I thank you even more for that.” Shane didn’t look away when Nicky turned his focus back on the road at a green light. Nicky’s lips were quirked up a little, a lingering smile that meant more than anything right now.

***

While Shane paced out his one pint of Guinness, Nicky was sipping on his seventh mixed vodka already. Started to get a little more giggly. It was fucking adorable. Shane felt like he was in hellfire this entire day. He could technically give Nicky a kiss now that they were in public and had an excuse for it, but it was still hell. And people were watching, had a few people ask for autographs on serviettes.

“You probably shouldn’t drink too much.” Nicky commented.

“I’m not going to. I’m only drinking the one. And look who’s talking, Mr. Seven Drinks.”

“Well, I’m free to do that. No one will judge me. I’m not the one who has to sing for two hours tomorrow night.” Nicky smirked and gulped down his vodka Red Bull like he was working Shane up.

“Hey, that’s not fair!”

“You’ll get a good wrap from it anyways! You can be the mighty hero professional boyfriend, carrying his love home to safety.” Nicky nudged Shane with his elbow and took another big gulp.

“Okay, you need to stop drinking before I actually have to carry you home.” Shane snatched the glass and got a mouthful himself.

“I’m not that drunk. Come on, I’m _Irish_.” Shane laughed at the clumsy eyes that caressed him. “I don’t know. I’m just happy. I love that I can be here for this.” Nicky’s hand came up to cup Shane’s jaw, felt a smile bloom in his palm as a response. He leaned in to press a gentle kiss on that smile before getting up. “I’m gonna be an idiot and break the seal. I’ll be back in a bit.” He pressed another kiss before heading off.

Shane watched Nicky’s every step until he disappeared into the bathroom, and sighed. He felt a small itch within him to follow those footsteps and do… something. Anything. Maybe kiss him hard against the wall, then sneak off into a cubicle and do god knows what. Or maybe tell him how he felt, although he figured it wouldn’t be possible to put it into coherent words. He spent hours contemplating what the butterflies in his stomach meant; whether it was because of what they were pretending to be or if he was an idiot falling to the ground with his heart first. It didn’t necessarily give him an answer but maybe, _maybe_ , Nicky was an idiot too.

Then he wanted to slap himself, yell at himself to snap out of it. This wasn’t real. None of this was allowed to be real.

He ripped his gaze off and turned his attention back to the drink in front of him, took another gulp of the black beer.

“Shane?”

Shane put the glass down, wiped his mouth and turned around; got ready to sign another serviette. “He- Oh.”

He would have been ready for _anything_ but this.

“Hey. Um.”

All the air disappeared from his lungs like he’d been punched in the gut.

“It’s Mark, if you don’t remember.” Mark’s tone was wrapped with blue sarcasm. Another punch to the gut.

“Y-yeah, I know. Of course I know. Sorry, I just… blanked out for a sec. Didn’t expect to see you here.” Mark seemed older. It had only been three years, but he seemed a lot older with that scruff around the same plump lips that he could still feel sometimes. He looked even taller than he used to be for some odd reason. But it was still his Mark – the Mark he fell in love with, the Mark he planned forever with. Shane tried so hard not to break down right then and there. “Shit, uh... How are ye? How’ve you been?”

“Grand. Was a mess for ages when you fled but,” Mark shrugged, tried to seem nonchalant, and it gashed Shane. “Looks like you’ve been having the time of your life though. Big pop star now. Am I even allowed to be talking to you? Don’t you have bodyguards to like, I don’t know, tackle me to the floor or something?”

A bittersweet chuckle overtook Mark’s face as he tried to laugh it off – undeniable latent truth in his shaking blue eyes, and Shane could just _feel_ it. The awkward jokes he tried to crack when instead, he looked like he wanted to cry. He knew Mark too well. He knew what all the little ticks and tugs of his face meant. Trying to put on an act in front of him was pointless.

“Mind if I sit?” Mark pointed at the stool Nicky was sitting on.

“No, it’s fine. Take it.”

Bad idea. _Horrible_ idea. Shit. Nicky was going to come back any minute. But it was too late to reject. Mark had already sat down, ordered a drink and looked up at him with blue eyes that made him weak to his utter core. They still held so much power over him. It wasn’t about getting over him. It was about all the memories they brought that hurt no matter how much time passed – the breakfast dates in their pyjamas, the Christmas dinners, their final goodbye.

“Look, I… I don’t know if this is weird. It probably is. I’m sorry. I saw you and I was just going to go home but then I saw Nicky Byrne head to the gents so… I just thought why not.“ Shane nodded with pursed lips, eyes not daring to look up at all. “How’s it going, by the way? With Nicky Byrne?”

“You know you can just call him Nicky.”

“Ah, I’d rather not. I’d feel out of place. He’s a bloody legend.” Mark let himself smile when Shane chuckled. “So yeah, how is it?”

“It’s…” Jesus, he wasn’t doing this. This couldn’t be real. Definitely a scene he’d never ever imagined. With the lingering hint of pain that seeped through Mark’s voice, Shane felt like he was being strangled. “It’s fine. Yeah. Good. How about you? You got a fella?” _Please say no. Please say no._

“No. No one.” Oh. That didn’t feel as good as Shane thought it would. He wondered if…

“You mean no one since… me, or?”

“Yeah, well, it’s… I uh…” Mark shifted uncomfortably. Shane thought he was going to bolt it for a minute. “Yeah. No one since you. Which, like, it’s fine. It just hasn’t happened yet.”

“Aw, Mark…” Shane didn’t know why he felt bad. He was technically the same. No one since Mark, if he didn’t count Nicky. He felt horrible. Maybe he thought Mark deserved better. He left Mark because he was scared, and Mark’s sweet soul deserved someone who wasn’t scared to love him.

“It’s fine. Really. At least you’re happy. It’s nice to see it.” Mark’s voice was sincere, and that hurt Shane, rather. A blissful and arduous stupid thing that burned like a molten opal.

Shane sighed and chucked a bit more beer down his throat, hoping it would clear a path to his lungs.

“Listen, can… can I say I’m proud of you? Is that weird? Like, I’m _so_ proud of you.” Mark crooned and Shane allowed himself to look up, an involuntary smile filling up his face at painfully familiar blue eyes warming his heart in a painfully familiar way. “Every time I see you on TV or when one of your songs play at the grocery shop or something, I… I don’t know. I’m just so proud. I know how badly you wanted this. I probably know more than anyone, to be honest.”

“Yeah, you probably do. That’s really nice, Mark. Thanks.”

Mark smiled at him in return, or at least attempted to. Too much history reeled into his brain with that; too many feelings that he tried to shut out for two years sitting alone in his empty London house instead of arms that he abandoned. A part of him wanted Mark to leave. The other wanted him to stay and kiss him. Just once.

“So, I hear you’re playing the Olympia tomorrow. Dream come true for you.”

“Yeah. Do you uh…” Shane hesitated and swallowed down words, but it came back up. Horrible idea number two. “Do you want to come? It’s sold out but I can sort something out for you. Like, the private boxes.”

“Really?” Mark’s eyebrows were raised, a slight hopeful tug in a corner of his lips.

Shane nodded. “I mean, if you don’t want to, I can understand. I just… feel like I owe you something after what I did to you.”

“Right… Is that the only reason you want me there?” Disillusioned eyes looked down, fiddled with the beer in his hand and fiddled with Shane’s mind too. “We haven’t seen each other in three years, Shane.”

“No, I know, I’m only–“

“Hey, who do we have here?” Nicky got back. Shit. He put his arms around Shane’s shoulder, gave him a kiss on the head and looked at this figure who stole his seat.

“This is um…” This felt wrong. Like introducing his messy past to his messy present - his past lover to his present… Well, Nicky wasn’t even his lover. but at the same time, he was. At least in Mark’s oblivious mind, he was. Either way, it all felt wrong. “This is Mark. Mark, Nicky.”

“Wait. Mark? As in _Mark_ Mark?” Nicky suddenly felt all sobered up, like he was a rag towel squeezed and drained. He looked at Shane, a weird look in his eyes that Shane couldn’t quite label – whether it was confusion, jealousy, sadness, concern – he didn’t know. He just nodded, saw Mark stand up.

“I’m assuming he told you about me.” Mark stuck out a hand and Nicky really didn’t want to shake it. “Nice to meet you. I’m Mark. Huge fan of yours, by the way.”

“Cheers. It’s nice to meet you too.” He guessed he had to shake it. “Mind if I take my seat back?”

“Oh, no. All yours. Sorry.” Mark stepped aside, stood a bit closer to Shane. “So I should probably go.”

“You should.” Nicky commented with a flat defensive tone, and Shane looked up in surprise. Even seemed mad a little bit.

“Right, um. Yeah. Look, I might be way out of line here but my number’s still the same so if you want to… call me or whatever. Just to catch up and not like, you know... just, uh, yeah. Sorry. Anyways.” Mark snapped a careful, almost apologetic, look at Nicky before bringing it back to Shane. He let out an awkward chuckle – broken by the end – searching for a desperate answer in Shane’s sad hazels.

“Okay, yeah, I’ll… I’ll have to see about that.” Shane stood up and pulled Mark into a hug, both wrapping arms around each other’s waists and hugging for a little too long. Nicky had to look away. Yep, he was definitely sobered up. He forced another drink down his throat and focused on the burn until he could see them separate through the corner of his eyes.

Nicky stole another glance, saw Mark slide a hand up Shane’s arm. He wanted to slap the hand away.

“Right, then, ehm... I’ll see you ‘round, I guess. Bye, Nicky.”

Shane waved, and Nicky didn’t bother saying bye. He couldn’t take his eyes off of Shane who couldn’t take his eyes off of Mark until he disappeared to the other side of the door. Shane finally let out a long sigh and sat back down, head immediately buried in powerless hands.

“Are you okay?”

Shane didn’t answer. Of course he wasn’t fucking okay. He thought he would be. He was over Mark for sure. That eternal fire, life-changing love wasn’t there anymore. But this wasn’t about that. He wasn’t sure what it was about, exactly. Everything was a blur these days. Nothing seemed to be black and white.

All he knew was that five years of love wouldn’t just fly away into thin air. Falling for one person as deep as he did with Mark, and vice versa, that was going to be an everlasting prickle that lingered in the back of their throats. It was always going to hurt.

“Honey…” Nicky rubbed the back of Shane’s neck, felt how tense it was.

Shane refused to look up, like an unshakeable weight was pulling him down in every aspect. He remained quiet and still for five seconds, which felt like five hours for Nicky, before he nodded, cleared his throat and lowered his hands.

“Yeah. I’m sorry. Fuck, I just didn’t expect to… you know, see him.” His voice cracked at the end, and Nicky could see Shane crumple his face a bit, could swear that he saw those weak eyes tear up with a futile attempt in trying to blink them back.

“Do you want to go home? Let’s go home. I’ll call a cab.” He managed to say through a clumped throat and a clenched fist under the table, his other hand stroking Shane’s trembling back.

Shane didn’t answer. He just stayed still for the longest time until he roughly scrubbed his eyes and kicked his stool back with a low grunt. Hands buried deep in pockets, he took off on his own without a single look back.

“Shane, where are you–“ And Shane was out, causing all eyes to be focused on Nicky. He fished out his wallet, put a couple notes on the bar top and rushed out himself before people started speculating things.

With quickened steps, Nicky tried to cover as much path as he could, desperate eyes searching.

***

Nicky must have run around the whole of Dublin when he reached home. He felt the perpetual tenseness of his muscles fly away from him. There was Shane, sitting on his doorstep, knees hugged and chin leaning on them, eyes closed. He looked so small, like a puppy that lost shelter, waiting for his owner to come and pat him, to hug him and protect him.

“There you are! Jesus.” Nicky was panting, hands braced on his knees and trying to even out his breath. Shane’s eyes flashed open – an apologetic smile tugging at his downturned lips. He plonked down beside him and ruffled soft brown hair. “Where the hell have you been? I spent like an hour looking for you. You didn’t even pick up your phone.”

“Sorry.” That was almost a whisper.

“Don’t be. I’m just glad to see you’re not fucking dead on the street somewhere.’’

Shane dragged in a long breath, dragged out an even longer one. “I called Mark. Turns out I still remember his number.”

“Oh. Erm. Okay.” Nicky scraped the concrete steps with the heel of his boots and looked down at them. “Well, how did uh… how did that go, then?”

“He was happy I called him. Invited me over.” Nicky nodded along, lips pursing and tightening with every word. “And I went. It was stupid.”

“Right.” He kicked the concrete some more.

“But I didn’t go in.” Nicky looked up at that. “I stood outside his house for about half an hour and walked back here.”

“Why? I thought…” He hesitated before opening his mouth again. A cold wind blew and gripped around his ankles. “I thought you loved him. I could see it. At the bar.”

Shane stared down at the ground, teeth burrowing into a chapped bottom lip. “I do. I love him.” And that was the sharpest dagger. “I always will. But it’s a different story now. I don’t think it’s the same type of love that it was all those years ago, like.”

“What do you mean?” Nicky didn’t mean to pry, but hope circled his black and blue heart and he didn’t want to let go of it.

“Back then, we were young, you know? We were two stupid kids, not really even knowing what love properly was, but being so sure that what we had was… _it._ It almost felt unreal, you know? But I don’t think I can love him in that way anymore. It just wouldn’t work out. It hurt too much when I left, like a permanent black stain. For both of us. Even if I think about it now, it’s…” The space between Shane’s eyebrows crinkled as he trailed off. “Today, at the bar, I think I was just caught up in that hurt too much. In that nostalgia.”

Nicky nodded along. “Nostalgia’s always a bitch.”

“Mhm. And, besides... I think I’m in love with someone else.”

“God, please don’t tell me it’s Kian. I’ll have to slap you.” That got a chuckle out of Shane, which was pleasant eye of the storm. “I mean, he’s a lovely lad but being in love with him? You need to have your head checked.”

“Absolutely not Kian.”

Nicky laughed back, until Shane looked up – hazel eyes darkening, lips flipping back down from that smile, a swift nervous tongue running along the bottom. There was a look in those eyes that Nicky never noticed before – something that was filled with red want and _need_ , something that could consume him whole _._ His chest was about to pop out of his chest, but not in a good way. The wind gripped tighter around his ankles. This wasn’t right, he suddenly decided.

“I think I’m in love with y–“

“I think we should go inside.” Nicky interrupted, could almost immediately see that golden heart ripping through hazel eyes that turned off, but no. He didn’t feel like he was in the right place. Didn’t know why. It felt too dangerous. It could shove this whole pact into the gutter. “Let’s… It’s cold. Let’s go inside.”

“Oh. Um.” Shane was stuck in a trance as he watched Nicky stand up.

Then Nicky disappeared behind the door before Shane could grab him.

It was probably for the best.

Shane wanted to punch something.


	8. Eight

Staring up at the ceiling in silence, Nicky tried to hug himself with the blankets. Shane would be sleeping in the guest room. Or laying in his bed too, eyes wide open and heart beat a bit too slow. A part of him wished Shane wasn’t fine. That he was crying, maybe.

Shane had stumbled in a few moments after Nicky had went inside, eyes glassy and ready to spill any minute. “I’m going to sleep,” Nicky had mumbled while trying so hard not to look at him, to crush a hug against him and tell him that he was sorry. So fucking sorry.

 _“And besides, I think I’m in love with someone else_. _”_

The words rang in his ear, and he felt like he was bleeding just thinking about it. About the afraid but eager glint in those eyes that hugged his heart, a bit too tightly though.

_“I think I’m in love with y-“_

Maybe it was wrong to cut him off. Maybe he should have let Shane say it.

Fuck the contract.

There were countless moments where Nicky thought it, to maybe make something – something _real_ – of them two, but that thought quickly shot itself down whenever he watched Shane on stage. That bright sparkle in those eyes like a New Year’s firework show when he looked out at the audience, the widest smiles that weren’t like the ones off stage, the precious laughs and looks and speeches and the sincere heart felt in every note he crooned.

Nicky wasn’t going to be the one to put a negative stain on it in any way. He wasn’t that naïve to believe everything would run smoothly if he made a move, or if he let Shane say those words he was about to say. If word got out about the pact, their public images would change forever in the hands of the virulent media. The fact that they lied was more than enough to crush paths.

It was business. It had to remain business.

***

“How do I look?” Shane asked after the millionth look in the mirror.

Nicky turned around. His stomach crawled its way up his throat. Shane was dressed up – hair neatly gelled and spiked up, casual black trousers with a white button-up shirt. Jesus, of course this guy was a popstar. Yum. “Shit, Shane. You look really good.”

“You mean it?” Nicky nodded and walked up to him, gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek. “Thanks.” He smiled bashfully and turned back to the mirror, meeting Nicky’s eyes through it. “Tie or no tie?”

“Whatever you’re comfortable with.” Nicky shrugged. “Stop worrying! They’ll love you.”

Shane didn’t know why he was so nervous. It wasn’t like it mattered, in the end. He was probably never going to see Nicky’s parents again, let alone see Nic… No, he didn’t want to think about that yet.

But Nicky had turned him down. They had pretended like nothing ever happened in the morning. None of them had addressed it. Although, breakfast was tense. Following a few blinks of sleep that Shane managed to catch, when he crawled out to the living room, Nicky was already awake. Shane was almost afraid to approach, just stood there with his toes curling in, watching Nicky crack a few eggs onto the pan.

“Um, hey.” Shane brought up the courage to say.

Nicky turned around, a nervous smile across thinning lips. “Morning. Sunny side up?”

“Y-yeah. Cheers.” Nicky gave a nod and pointed at the kitchen table with his spatula that Shane followed to sit down.

Then they had had breakfast. Hadn’t talked until Shane got through about three-quarters of his egg, which felt like chewing on rubber for hours on end. Nicky had finished the meal first. Got up to put the dishes in the sink then came back to the table and kissed the top of Shane’s head, much to his surprise. Shane had looked up with bemused eyes, a slightly confused tremble in his pupils.

“I appreciate you.” Nicky crooned close to Shane’s ear. “Really. I appreciate the fuck out of you. I… I don’t want to lose you.”

There was a stupid lump in Shane’s throat. “You won’t. I promise.”

And that had been it. The conversation didn’t go on. They hugged for a bit, shared a soft kiss, and talked about the dinner at Nicky’s parents’ place to take place in the evening.

Shane tried to focus on that, about setting a good impression for the parents instead of the fiasco that was last night. It was a pretty clear-cut sign when Nicky went back into the house. He was prepared to spill his whole heart out, only to have Nicky step on it and dust it off, to have him walk away like it wasn’t even worth confronting. He had averted it. That was it.

Nicky turned him down.

***

All the worrying seemed pointless once they reached Nicky’s parents’ house. They were lovely, greeting him with tight hugs and a tour of the house that was plastered with Nicky’s achievements. Although he couldn’t get over how freakishly identical Nicky and his father were. He was just a bald prototype with more wrinkles.

Dinner was another interview with the parents asking how they met - the same backstory of the non-existent mutual friend and Irish ties. They seemed more than interested, even though they probably heard it a hundred times from a hundred different media sources.

“Wanna go and burn off dinner?” Nicky had asked when they finished the meal, and Shane choked on his water. But apparently, Nicky meant an innocent game of football. Jesus. The Byrnes blasted into a laughter tsunami and Shane excused himself, tried to not fling his fist at Nicky and rush out to the backyard instead with blushed cheeks.

Shane was fiddling with a ball that had yellowed over the years when Nicky walked out. “Was this your old ball?”

“Yep. My entire history’s in that ball. I grew up with it.” A warm evocative smile curved Nicky’s lips as he put on the gloves that he dug out from his room. “And these were my old gloves.”

“Wow. I’m playing with the mighty Nicky Byrne’s old ball.”

“Yeah well, you’re dating the actual Nicky Byrne.” Nicky winked and laughed when Shane rolled his eyes. “Wanna shoot some goals?”

“Are you gonna be the goalkeeper? That’s not fair.”

“Ah I’ll go easy on ya. Come on.” Nicky stood at the small backyard goalpost, knees bent and a smug smirk on his face. “Bring it on, striker.”

Much to Nicky’s surprise, Shane turned out to be a decent striker. Had been a frequent player back home. He managed to get a couple past Nicky, although Nicky had to admit he was half-arsing it, until he started to get competitive. It was the freaking Premier League: backyard edition.

“This is so not fair! I quit.” Shane huffed in the end with sweat glazing his face and lied down on the grass to catch his breath.

Nicky collapsed right beside him, heavy puffs through his shining teeth and a bright smile. Shane tried to look away. “I win!”

Shane turned on his side to face him properly. He couldn’t look away even if he wanted to. “Wow, congratulations, Ireland’s national goalkeeper, you’ve won against a country boy.”

“Whatever. I still won, you sore loser.” Nicky raked Shane’s hair with his fingers and stared for a bit. Saw eyes stare back, shadowed with light hiding underneath. “Can I give you a gift?”

Shane raised his eyebrow. Saw Nicky sit up and pull out a marker from his pocket. He grabbed his gloves again. He’d been planning this, apparently. Shane sat up too as he watched him sign both gloves.

**For you. Love, Nico x**

Shane swallowed a lump in his throat. “What are you doing?”

“I want you to have these.” Nicky handed it over, cheeks a little pink.

“I can’t do that.” Shane nudged them back. “They mean a lot to you. They’re your old gloves.”

Nicky shook his head and looked up with a weighted gaze that Shane couldn’t look through. “But I want to give it to you. It would mean more to me if you had it. Please?”

“I…” Shane reluctantly received it, running his fingers over the worn-out latex. “Thank you.”

With a lopsided smile, Nicky lied back down. He tapped his arm and gestured for Shane to join him. Shane obliged, leaning his head down on a strong shoulder and breathing in familiar scents mixed with the fresh of grass.

“I’m sorry,” Nicky mumbled.

“For what?”

“Just… I don’t know. Last night. Everything.”

Shane nodded and looked up at the darkening sky, at a free bird passing through. “Yeah, let’s… forget about it. It’s fine, love. Don’t think about it. Like I said, you’re not losing me.”

“You’re not losing me either.” A kiss brushed his hair.

They lied down without words for a bit, letting loud silence do the talking, letting the clouds speak for them, until Shane had to ask. “Why do you want me to have the gloves?” Shane looked up expectantly.

Nicky didn’t reply though. He just closed his eyes, and Shane thought that was enough to be an answer. He looked back up at the clouds on a back drop of blackening blue, leaning on each other.

***

Dublin. It was Dublin. The highlight of the entire tour. The night that Shane was looking forward to his entire life.

Nicky had felt the proudest beam burst from him throughout the entirety of the home gig. Shane’s thank-yous had been longer than usual, thanking his endless number of family members who were all there in the audience, and Nicky himself got a thank you too. The crowd went crazy when he did. Had to admit that he cried a little bit, watching the bright ball of energy up there lighting up the whole world with his voice, with his radiating contentment.

Nicky wished this never had to end.

***

“Fuck, Nicky...”

Shane closed his eyes as Nicky filled him, a thick shaft rocking in and out of him as he lost his breath. A warm mouth sucked hard at his neck. A hand snaked down to pump his erection and worked him closer to the edge.

Hot sparks travelled down head to toe, then back up again in a completely different way, and the first one to cum was Nicky. With the typical husky howl, he released before he shuffled down the bed, his eager mouth engulfing sensitive flesh until he pushed him over the edge that he was already too close to.

Shane’s breath was heavy, eyes hazy, but the first thing he wanted to do was to reach out and grab his hand. Nicky grabbed back, smiling when Shane tugged him up and curled an arm around his waist. Nicky reciprocated with his own and held Shane close, a kiss on his rosy cheek.

“I’m so proud of you.” Nicky spoke first, saw Shane blush even more. “Honest. You were phenomenal tonight.”

“I don’t know if you’re talking about the gig or the sex, but cheers, either way.”

Light chuckles circled their hearts, forming a warm layer around it. “Well, both. But the gig was just… Wow. I was getting a bit emotional, actually. Might have choked up a bit.” Nicky dampened Shane’s bottom lip gently. “I’m so fucking proud of you.”

“Thanks for being there. It wouldn’t have been the same if you weren’t.”

Shane returned the kiss, and Nicky smiled against it. He wanted to say more but instead, he tugged Shane in, wrapped his arms around the boy and held him tight through late hours.

***

Tapping his feet and arms crossed, Shane tried to be patient. But Nicky had been in that position five minutes ago, shoving wax in his hair and checking himself out in the mirror. “Are you ready to go yet?”

“Relax, Shay. It’s a three hour drive. It’s not like going a bit early is gonna make a huge difference anyways.”

“Yeah but I’d like to make it in time for dinner so let’s get going.”

“Fine fine.” Nicky took a final check in the mirror and turned around. Shane tried to not drool. “Where’s my bag?”

“I loaded everything in the car already. Letsgoletsgo.” Shane was starting to drag Nicky out of the room now.

“Jeez, someone’s keen to go home.”

“Of course! It’s Sligo. I haven’t been in almost a year.”

Shane looked like a child who was excited to sit on Santa’s lap on Christmas. A laugh brightened Nicky’s eyes as he tousled Shane’s hair and headed out to the car together.

***

“Okay, I spy with my little eye, something starting with…” Shane looked around without getting too distracted from the driving.

They had started this clumsy game after about an hour on the road. Listening through Nicky’s playlist of Kylie Minogue, they argued about whether Kylie or Dannii was better. That had lasted for about fifteen minutes until Nicky pouted and vowed to not talk to Shane for the entire ride. It was adorable.

“Come on, I was just having fun! Fine. Kylie’s better. Happy now?” Shane had said, nudging Nicky with his elbow, but the silent treatment was still being executed, apparently. “Come on. Or else I’m gonna pull over and refuse to drive.”

“You’re the one who wanted to go.”

“You wanted to go too, and meet my folks. Talk about how lovely I am.”

“Lovely my arse.” Shane had laughed back and Nicky did too. “Hey. I spy with my little eye something starting with T.”

The answer had been tree. _Tree_. They were going to the countryside. Of course there’d be bloody trees around everywhere. Shane was about to tease him again but he had kept his mouth shut and the game went on for twenty minutes. They were running out of things to spy with their little eye.

“I spy… it starts with uh…” Shane scoffed a defeat. “I think we named every fucking thing in Ireland. I give up.”

“Ha! I win. You lose.”

“You’re a bloody child, I swear.” Nicky had the identical smug smirk that he always had whenever he won a football match. Apparently, winning an I Spy game meant just as much to him.

“You’re just saying that because you lost.” Nicky saw Shane roll his eyes with a fond smile. Tried to ignore the spark in his heart. “So how much longer do we have to go?”

***

Shane’s father had hugged Nicky so hard, told him to call him Peter, and the same with his mother, Mae. Nicky didn’t expect to feel that comfortable, but he did, as if he’d already celebrated family holidays with them. He told himself to not get too attached, and Shane offered to show the “useless city boy” around until dinner would be ready, so that was a godsend.

They drove up a hill, past another million trees, on rocky roads that Nicky never wanted to be responsible to drive on. When they finally stopped, Nicky would’ve been sick if it wasn’t for the unbelievable scenery that was served in front of him. Shane grabbed his hand and guided him out to the open.

“This is my favourite place in the whole world.”

“I can see why. This is beautiful.” The air up here was totally different. The endless seas of green calmed his soul. The fresh smell of trees cleansed his lungs. The tranquil silence of the forest deafened him.

“Yeah. Every time I come up here, everything else just goes out. I can’t love it more.” Shane sat down on the grass, invited Nicky to sit down too. “I used to come here with Mark a lot, actually.”

“Sounds romantic.”

“It was, yeah. Had our first kiss up here.”

Nicky nodded, lips pursed. He sneaked a glance at Shane who was looking out far into the scene, eyes weighted with blue. “Everything okay?”

“Of course. Sorry. I just…” Shane’s gaze found his for a second, before it headed south with an even heavier weight. “Is it bad that I want to call him?” He didn’t, really. He just wanted to see what Nicky would say. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe it’s Ireland making me miss him. I blame Ireland.”

“Fucking Ireland.” Nicky voiced an agreement, then let out a nervous chuckle. “If you want to call him, you should do it.”

“You think so?” Shane looked back up and tried to study Nicky’s face; if he really meant it, if he even believed what he was saying.

Nicky tried to paint a smile on. “If it’s what you want, then yeah.” He said again.

“But do _you_ want me to?”

“It’s not up to me. That’s your choice.” Nicky wanted to look away so bad, wanted to escape the dead serious laser gaze that dug holes in his soul. But he couldn’t look away with the life of him. He could swear that he saw Shane gulping, hazel eyes brimming with tears flash-flooding. The same look that he saw on the steps of his house in Dublin. Nicky bit down on his lip at the memory.

“Just answer the question, Nicky.”

Nicky didn’t know what that was in Shane’s voice. Trepidation, maybe. Hurt. Demand. Desire. Concern. The devil’s temptation. He wanted to know.

“Do you want me to call him?” Shane prompted again.

“Darling, I-“ Oh. Nicky was cut off. Shane’s lips felt so good on his. Smooth and rough at the same time. Tender and desperate. Willing and afraid.

“Sorry.” Shane whispered as he pulled back, tears still standing in his eyes with an added layer of regret.

“It’s okay. Come here.” Nicky wrapped his fingers around Shane’s collar as if he was hypnotised and yanked him in, caught surprised lips in his.

A cautious hand came up to caress Nicky’s jaw, his palm cupping the sharp line. Gentle moans were exchanged, lips dampening each other’s until Nicky broke away first, the sensation of capture still lingering on their flesh.

“I don’t…” Nicky started. He didn’t know how to finish the sentence. Didn’t know what he could say to intense eyes staring deep into his. “I don’t know what that… meant. I’m sorry.”

Shane sighed and pulled his hand back to scrub his own face before looking out at the hills that were supposed to calm him. “Fuck…” He sighed again. “What’s wrong with us? Why do we keep doing this?”

“Keep doing what?”

The tear finally fell – a thin streak staining Shane’s pink cheeks. The hills weren’t doing their job. “ _This_.” His voice cracked. Made Nicky wince a bit. “Like, we… we make out. We have sex. And then we pretend to be a couple. But we’re not. But when I look at you, I feel like…” Shane trailed off into a light frustrated grunt. “What are we? What… what am I to you?”

“I don’t know.” He really didn’t. He wanted the answer to the same question. All this confusion; he didn’t know if it was worth it. All this contemplation. All this hurt. This futile back and forth. He didn’t know what the fuck this was; what they could call this. It was impossible to describe in words the way he felt when he was around Shane.

“Yeah, well.” Shane sniffled and scrubbed his face dry. “Just… forget it. Let’s go back. We’re going to be late for dinner.”

The grass crunched underneath their shoes as they walked back to the car. Shane was in front, hands buried deep in pockets, and Nicky bit down hard on his lips. He kept his distance. A metre away or so. It felt like ten. Twenty.

The car ride back was silent.


	9. Nine

Tomorrow was the last date of the tour and with Louis forcing him, Nicky travelled with Shane on the bus when he didn’t have matches. He’d tried to get out of it. Told Louis that he was already there for a lot of the gigs, that Shane was doing fine on his own. Shane had been doing fine for a week now without him since they got back from Ireland. They got on a plane straight after dinner with the Filans to make it to Nicky’s game on the next day. The plane ride was as silent as the car ride, and they parted ways after walking past airport paparazzi holding hands.

Shane was fine. He carried on with his consecutive concerts for the week. He was… fine on his own. Or at least appeared to be.

Nicky was fine too. Carried on with his matches, saved enough goals, won enough matches. He tried not to think about Shane too much, which he failed at miserably. Either way, he told Louis they were fine.

But Louis had none of it. Of course. This was a business deal. He was obligated to participate. So here he was, squashed up in Shane’s bunk bed on the tour bus, their backs faced against each other and not uttering a word as the bus took them to the final destination. As soon as they stopped to take a break, Shane climbed off the bed.

“Where you going?” Ben popped his head up and asked Shane who was getting dressed, a hat pressed down low. Nicky looked up too.

“Just for a walk.”

“Alone?”

“Yeah. I’ll be back soon.” Shane shot a quick glance at Nicky, both of them looking away the moment they realised their eyes met like it was a plague to be avoided.

When Shane stepped off, Ben rushed to Nicky’s bedside. “Is he okay?”

“Y-Yeah, he’s just-“ His phone beeped. What a saviour. He didn’t know how to finish that sentence, especially to worry filling Ben’s eyes. When he checked the message, he wasn’t so sure anymore, if it was a saviour.

_Shane:_ **I miss you.**

A hard swallow didn’t do much to clear Nicky’s squeezing throat. He closed his phone. Wanted to throw it out the window. He wondered how hard it was for Shane to type out that text. Could almost see a wet glaze over pretty pupils, pink lips pursed and gnawed on as fingers moved arduously with each letter.

Ben looked like he was going to ask more questions. Nicky opened his phone again and typed. **Where r u?**

It was only a few seconds until it beeped again, forcing Ben to go back to his guitar and strum along with Jimmy. **Just felt like being alone. Be back in a bit**

His fingers hovered over the keypad. His mind hovered over words that he knew he had to say, that he had wanted to say for the past week. **I miss u too.**

***

The first thing he’d done when he got back to the bus was hug Nicky. Nicky hugged back, chin resting on a tense shoulder.

“I’m sorry things were shit.” Nicky whispered. He didn’t know why he apologised. They didn’t fight, technically. No one was at fault here, but he still did. And Shane had whispered it back.

After a long hug, Shane lied down on his bunk bed with his eyes closed, hand over hand on his stomach.

“Hey. Wanna play Mario Kart? After these two.” Nicky sat down on the edge of Shane’s bed and pointed at Ben and Jimmy battling it out, Matt and Ian taking sides, but Shane didn’t even open his eyes. Just shook his head and laid still. Holding back a sigh, Nicky lied down right beside him and squeezed his hand. Felt it squeeze back. “What’s wrong? Still mad at me?” He spoke as quiet as possible so the other lads wouldn’t turn around.

Shane finally opened his eyes and looked at Nicky with a small smile on his face. “I was never mad at you. It just all feels a bit shit.”

“Mm.” Nicky’s lips thinned into a line. He didn’t let go of his hand though. “Need me to do anything?”

Troubled eyes closed again as Shane shook his head.

“There must be something. Come on.” Nicky realised he was being a bit annoying. Too persistent, maybe. But this was Shane. He could stand to be a bit annoying if it was for Shane.

Shane sighed. Eyes remained closed. A bit of silence for a moment where Shane’s lips wriggled like words were wanting to break free but didn’t know how. He let out another sigh before the words found a way. “Are you glad this is over in a few months?”

“What?” Nicky had a quick look around, was glad that everyone was too occupied in the neck-to-neck Mario Kart run. “Of course not.” Shane hummed a response, wasn’t sure if Nicky was lying straight to his face or not. Wasn’t sure of anything these days. He was just pulled into a hug, slow circles being traced on the small of his back. “Really. Don’t think like that. Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know. Sorry.” Shane followed the steady path of Nicky’s hand with his heart.

“I’m not going to be okay once this ends.” Nicky didn’t break the hug, feeling Shane arch into him. Shane needed this as much as he did. Maybe more. “Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you. Anything.”

Shane shrugged. “Maybe some Mario Kart.”

“Yeah?” Nicky’s weighed out Shane’s tone. Decided it was okay to go on. “Then bring it on, Filan. I’ll destroy you.”

***

It was about six in the bloody morning when Nicky was forced to open his eyes. The phone rang louder than ever and he groped around to flip it open and hold it to his ear.

“Hello?”

“Nicky! I got nominated!”

“Huh?” Nicky sounded bemused, despite Shane yelling at him first thing in the morning. Still groggy though.

“BRIT Awards! I got nominated!” The sugar in Shane’s voice was enough to make all the needed sleep escape Nicky’s body. He opened his eyes and sat up, a stupid smile on his face.

“Holy shit, really? That’s amazing! What for?”

“Best Pop Act. Isn’t that crazy?!”

“Oh my god. Shit. You deserve it. I’m so happy for you!”

“Thanks.” There was a cute giggle and it wasn’t up to Nicky to let his heart beat or not. “And you’re coming with me.”

“Of course. I’ll be there whatever it takes.” Nicky didn’t even realise he was on his feet, hopping like all of Shane’s fans were, probably. “Did you call your parents? What did they say?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t called anyone yet. You’re the first one I called.”

“Aw, really?” That made Nicky happy. Maybe a bit too happy. “I appreciate it. Seriously, I’m so fucking proud of you, babe.”

“Thanks. Still can’t believe it.” Nicky could hear it in his voice, that baffled euphoria, the uncertainty but pure bliss with a sense of confidence.

“Do you want to go out for dinner tonight? I’ll take you out.”

“Ooo. I feel like Thai.”

“Thai it is, then. See you soon.”

***

Shane dropped by practice. Watched Nicky drown himself in sweat as he chased the ball. It was… wow. He was reminded again; how gay he was. He had to distract himself for a bit and watch other players, which didn’t help much. They were all hot. This was heaven and hell mixed into a beautiful sweaty combination.

When Shane walked into the locker room after the practice session was over, Nicky was smirking with a newspaper in his lap. He said his quick hellos around the room to the players, gave Kian a hug, and plonked down next to Nicky.

“What’s so funny?”

“Not funny. Just cute.” Nicky handed him the paper.

“Shane Filan and Nicky Byrne celebrate BRIT Award nomination.” Shane read aloud and smirked too, streamed his eyes through the pictures of their night out, looking at each other and smiling over the restaurant dinner table. “Cute photos. We look happy.”

“You say that as if we’re not. Bastard.”

“Aw. Of course we’re happy, sweetie. I don’t know where I would be without you.” Shane kissed Nicky’s cheek.

“Urgh, piss off, you two.” Kian rolled his eyes from the other side of the room while packing his bag. The rest of the team laughed fondly.

“Shut up.” Nicky laughed back and turned back to punch Shane in the arm. “And you’d probably still be a sad little closeted kid without me.”

“Fuck you.”

“Love you too.” Nicky tousled dark brown hair and stood up, slung his bag on his shoulder. “Want to go grab food? Maybe some sushi this time. I’ll pay.”

He wasn’t going to say no to some free sushi. As always, they signed a _lot_ of serviettes until the store manager got fed up and signed herself up for bodyguard to kick out all the teenage girls and Leeds fans. Thanks to her, they could have a meal in peace. She even gave some paps the middle finger. Shane covered his mouth to try and not laugh his ass off.

“If I was straight, I’d marry her.” Nicky didn’t even try to hold back his laugh. He practically laughed in the paparazzi’s faces.

“Right? I love her. What a legend.” Shane gave her a quick wink and a thumbs up to show his gratitude. She winked back. Superstar.

“Anyways. How’s post-tour life?”

“So much lying around. I’m running out of resting positions I can try out.” It wasn’t exactly true, but Nicky’s laugh was worth it. “Nah, I’m just writing and thinking about the next album. Ben’s teaching me how to play the guitar so I’m getting better. I can write on my own now.”

“Hey, that’s great. I’m impressed. How’s it going?”

“Alright, I guess. I don’t know. Not too great but…”

Shane’s lips hesitated for a bit. He wanted Nicky to come home with him. Nothing weird. Just to make him sit there and be in his presence, because whenever he imagined Nicky with him, it was much easier to write lyrics. To sing melodies that he imagined Nicky’s heart sounded like.

“I’m sure it’ll get better as time goes. I’m still a beginner. With my crumby beginner’s guitar.” Shane scoffed at himself and put down his chopsticks. “You done?”

“Pretty much, yeah.” Nicky popped the last piece of salmon nigiri in his mouth before digging out his wallet. He stood up and reached out for Shane’s hand, holding it tight as they walked up to the counter.

Shane ran his thumb along the top of Nicky’s hand. “Thanks for the meal.”

“Any time.”

They thanked the store manager again for keeping everyone out and felt more than obliged for a quick photo with her before they walked out to a huddle of people who waited outside. They did a round of hugs, of autographs and photos. A couple of the fans broke down in tears and earned another hug. They didn’t miss a single person. It felt rude to do that when they had all the time to dedicate. When they eventually finished with the group, they gave their thanks and walked to car park hand in hand.

“Want me to drive you home?”

“Yes, please.”


	10. Ten

“Welcome to the 2004 BRIT Awards!” cheered Cat Deeley, and Nicky felt Shane tremble a bit against him. He grabbed Shane’s hand, squeezed.

“Relax, babe.” He whispered in his ear and Shane gave a small lopsided smile.

“Sorry.” The tremble didn’t stop. And chaste kisses on his cheek didn’t seem to help.

“Do you need to step out for a bit? Want to get some fresh air?”

“No, I’ll be fine. Sorry.”

“Stop saying that.” Nicky picked up his serviette and dabbed Shane’ forehead. He didn’t even seem to realise he was sweating.

***

“You know, you look really good in a tux. Like, really really good.” Nicky commented, sitting on his bed in his own tux.

“Aw. Right back at you.” Shane grinned, fiddling with Nicky’s bowtie. “Sorry for making you leave early.”

“It’s not a problem. Don’t worry about it. It was a shite party. And my offer, anyway.”

The Best Pop Act had been awarded to someone else, and Nicky’s heart broke for him. Shane had looked so crestfallen, trying to keep a brave smile for the cameras but Nicky could see through it – the crack in blackened hazel orbs. He held his hand throughout the show and rubbed it with his thumb whenever Shane looked like he was having trouble keeping that smile on.

Then the afterparty came, and all Shane had wanted was to go home and hide. During a couple glasses of champagne, he’d received a text from his mum.

**Chin up, love. Proud of u either way xx**

And Shane looked like he wanted to throw the phone a little. So Nicky offered to leave early. He didn’t care about the party, about saying his congrats to other celebrities when his own boy was feeling blue.

“You alright?” Nicky held his hand again, feeling it squeeze back like a reflex.

“Yeah. Sorry. I must seem like a baby.” Shane let out a broken chuckle and Nicky shook his head. “I know I didn’t deserve it. It’s only my first album but… everyone was talking me up and being like _oh you’re getting it! You’re definitely going to win it, Shane!_ And maybe that messed with my head. I don’t know. Just disappointed.”

“You _did_ deserve it. Who won, anyway? Busted? Come on. You’re better than fucking _Busted_.”

“Who’s David is a good song.”

“Meh. Everything to Me’s way better.”

Shane allowed himself to smile. “Thanks.”

Nicky lied back on the bed with an arm held out, tapped the spot beside him which Shane obliged, lying down and leaning on Nicky’s shoulder. They didn’t care about their tuxedos getting creases.

“You know, when I lost my first game with Leeds, I cried for like three days straight. Genuinely thought I was going to get kicked off the team.”

“What a baby.”

“Total baby.” Nicky echoed with a silly laugh.

Shane hummed a reply and turned on his side to arch into the embrace as he brought his arm around Nicky’s stomach. Nicky gulped, looked down only to find earnest hazels stare up at his. He gulped again.

The look in Shane’s eyes couldn’t be described with a million words. Nicky couldn’t tell if it meant _I’m sorry_ or _thank you_ or _I love you_. He wasn’t sure that Shane knew himself. All he knew was that Shane was slowly inching up, almost too slow with stretched out seconds, those dark eyes heading to his lips before coming to a soft close.

The kiss was gentle. No rush. Shane heard a slight gasp when his tongue slipped out and crossed the other side, mixing with Nicky’s that explored his. A moan vibrated his lips when he glided his hand across Nicky’s chest, down expensive fabric, then cupping a hardened flesh.

Nicky pulled his head back to gasp. “We shouldn’t.”

“Shhh… I don’t care.” Shane’s lips wandered to Nicky’s sensitive neck, brushing soft kisses, the hand massaging.

“No. I’m… No. This isn’t right.” The kisses stopped. And so did the hand. Breaths were heavy in his ear. “I’m sorry.”

“I love you.”

Oh. Nicky gulped. There were too many beats in his heart to keep up with. Shane’s face was still buried in his neck. “What?”

“You heard me.” He signed and sat up. Nicky sat up too, saw eyes that refused to look at him ridging with tears. “Sorry, that just… came out.”

“You love me?” No response. Of course, he knew. Any idiot would know. He just didn’t know what would happen if he admitted that he knew. But he thought about that night in Dublin all the time. And after that, of course, he felt it. In deep looks that Shane gave him, the ways he was touched when they had sex, or not even sex. Just casual touches, Nicky felt them. He was sure Shane felt his too. “Shane, please. Look at me.” Nicky shuffled closer and caressed Shane’s jaw, lifting it up.

Shane swallowed hard. Eyes trembled with fear, but lips opened with determination. “I love you.” Nicky’s heart stopped. “I was too stupid to tell you. When I was about to tell you in Dublin, that just... didn’t happen. And then the moment passed and it got weird to tell you after that, then I… gave up for a while.” He heaved out a long drawn out breath. “This last year with you changed me, you know? You make me a better person and I’m… in love with you.”

Shane finally looked up at him and those teary eyes caressed Nicky’s soul. Nicky couldn’t look away. He pursed his lips and felt like there was a cork in his throat.

“Nicky, say something.”

“I…” Nicky let out a baffled chuckle that did nothing to clear the lump in his throat. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Say you love me too. I know you do.” Shane’s confidence radiated to Nicky’s heart, wrapping around it with iron.

“I do. I love you.” Shane thought hearing it back would feel better than this. But he couldn’t fly to the moon with Nicky’s tone chaining his ankles. “Of course I do. So much that it hurts sometimes.” Nicky sighed and cupped Shane’s cheek that was shortly marked with tears flash-flooding. “But we’re going to be over in three months. The contract will be done.”

“So? That doesn’t matter.”

“This was a business deal. And _we_ are business partners, essentially. If we become more, it gets too complicated and I don’t want that to happen.”

“Wow. We’re business partners, are we?” Shane’s voice had sharp edges piercing Nicky’s heart.

“That’s not what I meant.” Nicky stroked his thumb over a wet cheek. “You mean more to me than business. You mean more to me than anything I’ve ever cared about. But this just isn’t… going to work between us. It _can’t_ work between us. Imagine word gets out that this was all contractual. Your image would change. My image would change. Our entire careers will be affected.”

Shane nodded, eyes heading south. He knew it too. Deep down, he knew that they couldn’t do anything about it. Even if hypothetically, they could overcome the media. It was in the bloody contract that they couldn’t be in love for real, during or after the one year. He didn’t think much of it at the beginning, how much that one stupid contractual rule could rip his world in two.

The breakup article would go out in three months, they’d do another million interviews saying how they were fine and getting through it, and they wouldn’t be able to see each other. Because that would interrupt with the _business_ , apparently. He knew that. Everything that they worked for for _years_ could be over in a heartbeat if they let it happen. Every stroke of the cheek, every kiss in public – it was all conditional. And it had to remain conditional.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.” Shane sniffled.

“Sweetie, no. Thank you for telling me.” Nicky leaned forward to brush a short, soft kiss against Shane’s lips. “I drove myself crazy lately, if you meant what you were about to say in Dublin or not. Or if you were just in the moment or whatever. Or if it was just me.”

“Definitely not just you.” Shane brought his arms around the boy and hugged him close, immediately felt the embrace being returned with strong arms around his waist, holding him. The sniffles and tears subsided on Nicky’s shoulder, and Nicky could calm himself down a bit too. He was just left with Shane’s rheumy eyes and a bitten lip which somehow hurt Nicky more. “So what’s going to happen with us after the breakup?”

Nicky sighed and pulled back, feeling a tonne of weight on his shoulder. “I have no idea.”

“I don’t want to lose you.”

Nicky didn’t have anything to say to that. Not a single word. He wanted to say don’t be silly. You won’t ever lose me. I’m in love for the first time in my fucking life and it’s not going to end like this. He knew he’d be lying. He just leaned in to hug Shane again, even tighter.

“Love you.” Nicky whispered when Shane dug his face into his neck, finding comfort. “I love you.” Again. Because he wouldn’t be able to say it soon. Three words that meant the whole world to him, that meant the last nine months of heartache – the brightest nine months of his life, that meant the entirety of his soul, and he wouldn’t be able to say it.

Shane choked up. Tried to whisper it back but he couldn’t. He kissed Nicky’s neck instead. Heard a soft moan. Another kiss. “Love you,” he managed, before desperate lips met sensitive skin again. Just to feel them again. It was a bit pathetic, he supposed.

He brought his hand up to undo Nicky’s bowtie. It didn’t necessarily help Nicky to breathe. Made it more difficult, rather. Because now Shane’s lips trailed around and up to his face. Eager lips on his. Eager hand driving down his body and cupping his hardening length over suffocating tux pants.

“Shay…” Nicky breathed, knowing that he should stop this but not wanting to. Ever.

“Just let me. Just for tonight. Please. I need this.” The doleful plead bled Nicky’s heart as he nodded his consent, trying to memorise the way Shane’s hand caressed him, hitching sharp breaths out of him with every tug of sensitive flesh; the way Shane’s lips brushed against his, alternating between the passion of devouring and the gentle teases of dampened lips.

They separated for a bit to take their clothes off, each piece stacking on top of each other on the floor and Nicky reaching for some lube before they merged together again.

Nicky laid Shane down on the bed, not for a second letting his lips part away, and pushed a finger through Shane’s puckered hole. “You feel so good, love,” he whispered as his second, third finger prodded inside and prepped him. Placing a couple kisses on Shane’s neck where he knew he loved, he heard Shane let out a shuddering breath, his chest rising and falling to the pattern of the fingers rolling inside him. When Nicky looked up, he saw tears in his eyes. “Shane…”

“Keep going. Don’t worry.” Shane’s voice cracked at the end.

“Love you. Always.” Nicky stretched up to reach those lips, curled his finger and heard a breath hitch.

“Love you too.” Shane jolted when the fingers brushed against the spot that made him stir, that made him hard and never want to come. “Ready if you are.”

Nicky nodded and took a beat to roll on a condom, slick it with lube and match it to the warm entrance. He leaned forward, not even for a second taking his eyes off Shane’s, and slowly slipped in. Shane arched up with rapid air filling his lungs, thin strands of tears escaping through the corners of his eyes. Nicky kissed all of them, felt them touch his lips with salty wetness before he found Shane’s plump mouth parting when he pushed forward. Back. Forward. Back. Forward. Falling into a steady rhythm.

“Wish we had forever,” Shane mumbled through his tears, let out a soft moan when Nicky thrust in again and hit the right place.

The tears streaming down his face broke Nicky’s heart, as much as the words did. He leaned down again. “Wish we did. Wish I could always feel you,” Nicky whispered in between every arduous kiss, grunting as the sweet constricts of Shane’s ass hugged him and consumed him whole.

Nicky reached down to fist Shane’s erection, tugging a moan out of it, and feeling himself tear up too. Each stroke of gorgeous hard flesh, Nicky reminded himself that this was real. That this was Shane, breathing hard for him, feeling for him, hurting for him… crying for him. That this was love; a love that he would always treasure, no matter the wedged distance between them. At that thought, Nicky felt a stream down his cheek.

“Don’t cry…” Shane wiped it away, but it wasn’t much use when it was replaced a second later. He himself had more decorating his own cheeks. He lifted his head to feel Nicky’s lips on his, that trembling surface so tender.

Nicky’s thumb rubbed over the leaking head of his cock and Shane flinched at that sensation. Again when that mixed with Nicky moving so beautifully inside him, slow and sensual, like their own little waltz.

That romantic waltz was gradually escalating, the bed squeaking a bit more, grunts getting more frequent, air escaping their lungs with every quickening thrust that tore a piece of Shane’s heart away.

“God, Nick…”

Shane clutched Nicky’s nape and pulled him in for a breathless kiss. Salty tears mixed in with trails of saliva, but they didn’t want it to be any different. Nicky had to break away for a bit, to let out that sob he’d been holding onto but just couldn’t any longer. Not with Shane taking him in and pushing down on him like he wanted every sensation to hit him. He buried his head in Shane’s shoulder and let out another broken sob when he felt Shane’s arms come around him. Just to hold him ever so closely.

Nicky could hear the words being whispered, reaching every fraction of his soul as soft kisses nipped at his ear. _I love you. I love you. Love you._ “I love you,” Nicky whispered back when he could grasp a sense of his lost voice. “I think I’m gonna…”

“Okay. If you need to, it’s okay.” That tearful voice sounded disappointed, but the kind heart pushed on.

It wasn’t okay. They didn’t want this to end. Because this would be it. This would be the last time. But Nicky was so damn close, and Shane wasn’t too far off himself with Nicky’s hand being so magical like that.

“I’m sorry.” Nicky sped up with his movements. His cock reaching further, hitting up a bit faster and harder, stringing out low rumbles through Shane’s gritted teeth. Then Nicky came, his cock buried deep in his love and felt those gorgeous tight walls around him clench. Shane followed just seconds later before Nicky plopped down beside him.

Slick bodies touching, Shane brought his hand around Nicky’s bare waist and Nicky smiled at the familiar touch. The tears seemed to stop, but that didn’t mean their hearts weren’t in the middle of breaking.

“My heart beats for you.” Nicky crooned, his fingers trailing down the side of Shane’s face as he looked far into Shane’s rheumy orbs. “Always.”

“Always.” Shane echoed and brought up the courage to kiss Nicky’s tangled locks without breaking down again. “So after tonight…”

“Back to pretend.” Nicky finished the sentence, throat perpetually clumping. The sentence that he hated more than anything right now. “We can’t let this happen again.”

Shane nodded and pursed his lips. He didn’t say anything. Just snuggled up closer and buried his face in Nicky’s neck, breathing him in into all the curves and edges of his lungs.

They held each other through the night.


	11. Eleven

The next game, Shane chose to drive Nicky home instead of making him go on the team bus. He hesitated to, thought that spending more time with Nicky would just make everything harder to go _back to pretend_ like they agreed upon. But Nicky looked like he wanted to punch something and Shane wasn’t prepared to let him go home alone like that. He put a hand on Nicky’s thigh, the other on the steering wheel. “Come on, you’ll be alright.”

Nicky looked out the window of the rolling car, chin leaning on his hand and eyes not focusing on anything. It was Wednesday night – nothing much was happening anyway.

“You lost one game! Big deal.”

“It _is_ a big deal. This is my fucking life, Shane. Imagine your album flopped. It’s the same thing.”

“Sorry.” Shane pursed his lips and pulled his hand back. Nicky didn’t reply, nor did he move. Just sat there like a stone.

The game was shit, for lack of a better word. Nicky felt like he was wearing ankle weights, getting heavier with every goal that he let fly past his fingertips. Felt like the whole world was watching him break when the manager took him out halfway through the second half of the game. Which was a first for him throughout the span of his career. Goalkeepers hardly ever get swapped in the middle of the game. Shane’s heart sank too when he saw Nicky jog out of the field at the substitute call from the sidelines, that precious face drooped and lips bitten on the big screen for the world to witness.

“Do you want the radio on?”

“No.”

“Okay.” Lips were pursed again, and he didn’t speak of another word until he pulled over in Nicky’s driveway. “Want me to go to Friday’s game as well?”

“Whatever you want. I probably won’t even go on anyway.” Nicky undid his seatbelt and grabbed his bag.

“That’s bullshit, come on. Of course you’ll go on. He probably just wanted you to take a break.”

With a sigh, Nicky moulded back to the car seat. “You think so?”

“I know so.” Blue eyes met his for the first time in what felt like forever and Shane felt himself melt a bit into a cautious smile. “Just rest for today and tomorrow. Clear your head. Do whatever you need to do, and you’ll be good to go for Friday. I’ll cheer you on.”

Nicky allowed himself a small smile without feeling too guilty about it. “Sorry. I’m being difficult.”

Shane shook his head. “I understand. It’s fine.”

Nicky nodded, sank into another sigh. “Well, I’m going to go mope some more in bed.” He let out a broken chuckle. “Drive safely.”

“Don’t mope too much!” Shane called before Nicky got out and shut the door.

***

“Oi. Feet down.” Nicky smacked Kian who had his feet up on his coffee table while watching TV.

They’d lost most of the following games and when the season was over, Nicky probably spent a week in bed, just underneath blankets and sighing a hundred times a day. Losing was definitely his least favourite thing – whether that was the premiership or the one person he loved the most.

Nicky tried to not contact Shane as much as he used to. Sent one text for every five that he would have sent before. One short phone call before he made an excuse that he had to do something, when in fact he had nothing to do except entertain Kian or go for a run. He didn’t realise how hard it would be to cut down like that. He felt like Shane was trying too; to not text him as much. It helped that Shane was engulfed in writing songs.

They had to learn to live without each other. So he invited Kian over a lot to distract himself. And he was always welcome, of course. And he would always put his fucking feet on the table.

“Jeez. Fine, _mam_.” Kian put them down, a fond roll overtaking his eyes. “What’s with you? You’re bloody moody these days.” Trust Egan to not beat around the bush.

“Am not.”

“You’re moody _now_! It can’t still be because we lost the season, right?” Kian flicked the TV off and looked at his friend with an encouraging smile. “Come on. Tell daddy what’s wrong.”

“Jesus. First of all, don’t ever call yourself daddy again.” Nicky laughed.

“And second of all?”

“There is no second of all. I’m fine.”

“Ah come on, mate. Who do you think you’re kidding?”

“Seriously, Ki. I’m fine.”

“It’s me. You can tell me anything.” Kian’s lips quirked up a little, but Nicky saw the concern in his eyes. Felt it wash over him like tsunami without warning. Nicky stared, losing himself and constrained in Kian’s gaze and before he knew it, he was tearing up. Didn’t even know why. Kian looked surprised. He sat up with his eye widened, lips parted.

“Um, hey…”

“Sorry.” Nicky wiped his face, but it didn’t do much. Small beads of tears slid down over his cheeks. That seemed to have brought Kian out of his trance as he brought his arms around his friend, holding him tight and letting him bury himself in his shoulder.

“Darling, don’t be sorry.” He smoothed the back of Nicky’s head through his soft sobs. “What is it? Shane? Your family? Football?”

“Shane.” He mumbled in Kian’s shoulder.

“Okay. You two have a fight or something?”

Nicky shrugged as he stripped himself off from Kian, scrubbing his red eyes to dry them. “No. It’s… more complicated than that.”

“I mean, I’m sure you can work it out. I’ve never seen two people disgustingly into each other like you two.” Kian tried a laugh. He didn’t get one back. “Whatever it is, talk to him. Work it out. It’s not like you’re breaking up.”

 _Breaking up_. Nicky choked up again. The pressure in his throat felt like too much, like it was about to implode soon. “Yeah,” he whispered.

“Wait, are you…” The space in between Kian’s eyebrows crinkled, his head slowly trying to wrap around a stark realisation. “Are you guys breaking up?”

“We have to.” Nicky’s voice was low, eyes out of focus, like he just didn’t care anymore. It was ending soon anyways. And he was way more miserable than he thought he would be. He _did not_ care anymore. “We’re done in two months.”

“What do you mean? Two months? What’s in two months?”

“It was fake.” Nicky managed to whisper.

Kian froze for a moment, eyebrows knitting in again. His mind went blank. “Huh?”

“It was _fake!_ It was all just fucking show!” Nicky didn’t care that he was yelling. Didn’t care that he was crying for the millionth time this year or that Kian was gaping at him.

“What? I’m not… following. What do you mean it was fake?”

“It was a contract.” He crossed his arms, trying to hug himself. “We’d go out for a year, help each other’s career, then break up and never see each other again. I wasn’t supposed to…” Nicky trailed off, dropped his head further and watched tear stains increase on his pants.

“Supposed to what?”

“Supposed to fall in love with him.” It all came out like one syllable, rushed and connected. Kian felt his stomach sink as he reached out to put his hand on top of a tense knee.

“Oh Nicky… I had no idea. Come here.” He was pulled into a hug that didn’t reach his inconsolable heart. Nicky cried in Kian’s shoulder, dampening his shirt. “If it helps, you guys put on a hell of a show. Everyone in the whole world believed you.”

“Because it was real for us.” Kian nodded along. He could believe that. Anyone and everyone could. Everyone _did_. “Every kiss, every hug, every little touch… it was all real for us.”

“He loves you too?”

Nicky nodded.

“Then what’s the problem? Go running back to him.”

“I can’t do that.” Nicky shook his head.

“Why not? You love each other. Nothing else should matter.” Kian would usually be measuring things and being rational and always right. Nicky only wished he was right this time too.

“It’s not that simple.”

“What? The contract? Fuck the contract.” Kian’s cheeks were red, nostrils flared and his tone getting squeaky.

“Easier being said than done.” Nicky shook his head. “Shane’s been working his whole life for his career. He’s sacrificed so much. I’m not going to be the one to ruin that. And my career as well. Imagine word got out about us being a fake couple. In no way is that going to _not_ affect us.”

“But you love each other.” Kian looked almost as crestfallen as Nicky. Bless his sweet soul.

Nicky swallowed hard. He wanted to run to Shane. Tell him that he’d love him forever and they’d be together, and fuck contracts. Fuck Sony. Fuck Simon. Fuck Louis. Fuck the world. It was something he wanted _so_ bad that he couldn’t say it out loud, like a child’s birthday wish.

“I know. But It’s not meant to be. That’s why I’m trying to keep my distance from him. So it would hurt less later but… it’s harder like this. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”

“You’re hurting yourself even more.” Kian sighed. “Look, I don’t get it but if it really can’t happen in the end, then at least don’t fuck up the time you have left. It’s going to hurt either way. Might as well be happy for a little while.”

“You’re making sense. I hate it.” Nicky dumped his aching head into his hands, felt Kian’s soothing fingers in his hair.

***

After Kian left, Nicky sat in his backyard for hours, a cup of tea in his hand. The stars were pretty. He only wished he could find some sort of answer in the way they shined. Wished he didn’t keep tracing Shane’s smile with them like a connect-the-dots.

He missed Shane. Fucking missed him that his heart would physically hurt when he thought about it.

Maybe Kian was right. Maybe they didn’t have the time to be distant. Their hearts would break either way. And he wasn’t doing such a good job learning to live without the boy.

_“At least don’t fuck up the time you have left.”_

Kian was right. Putting the cup of tea down on the floor, Nicky went to grab his phone and opened up a new text message to send.

**U free tomorrow?**

***

“Well, you look like shit.”

“Cheers. Come in.” Shane let Nicky into his house, eyes half closed and grease in his hair.

Nicky studied Shane’s state as they collapsed on his couch. Shane was moulded to the outline of the couch frame, like he had no body of his own. “What happened to you?”

“I’m just tired. I feel like I haven’t slept in a year.”

“You look like you haven’t.” Nicky cupped Shane’s cheek. There was less fat there than before. His face turned into a concerned grimace. “What are you even doing? You’re not touring or anything. Why aren’t you getting sleep?”

“Writing.” Shane pointed at the coffee table, nuzzling into Nicky’s soft palm. When Nicky looked over, there was a cup of coffee that’d gotten cold, papers everywhere, messy writing all over. It looked like a crazy blueprint of some sort. The grimace on his face settled deeper. “Simon keeps telling me to churn things out and prepare for the second album. So I’ve been writing for… shit, I don’t know. Days. And nothing good enough is coming to me head.”

“You need to give yourself a break. Jesus.”

Shane shrugged, looked like he wanted to cry a little bit. “I don’t want my second album to flop. I don’t want to be a one-hit wonder. I need to do this.”

“You won’t be a one-hit wonder. And what you _need_ is an early night. Come on.” Nicky clutched onto a floppy hand and forced Shane to stand up. He practically had to drag him to the bedroom. Shane seemed glad, wilting onto the bed like an aging flower. He looked so tired. Nicky ached for him. “Babe, change your clothes at least.”

Shane shook his head and opened up the blankets, tapping the empty space on the bed beside him. “Get in.”

Nicky slid beside him and felt Shane’s arm wrap around his waist straight away.

“Sorry, you just got here. I should have taken a nap before you came or something. I feel bad.”

“Don’t. It’s fine. I can watch you sleep.”

“Creep.” Shane breathed a laugh that flashed underneath his half-closed eyes. Closed them fully when he felt Nicky’s calm fingers rake his hair back

“Perhaps.” Nicky placed a kiss on each of Shane’s closed eyelids. “Is that what you’ve been doing this whole time? Torturing yourself to write?”

“I guess. It was a nice distraction too.” Shane sighed. “It was easier when you were here… Everything’s easier when you’re here.”

So Shane wasn’t doing such a good job either. Nicky leaned in again, just for a chaste kiss as a response to those words that tugged at his sullied heart. He didn’t mean for it to deepen, but when Shane latched on and refused to let go, Nicky didn’t find the strength in him to pull away from those determined lips.

Time stopped. The world stopped. All those worries stopped themselves, and Nicky could just exist. Be _alive_ in the presence of red lips luring him in like black magic, in the presence of a gold heart that reached out to his. But he couldn’t help let the murk creep up his throat.

“Is this a good idea?” Nicky breathed out.

“Absolutely not.” Shane closed the gap again.

***

Nicky woke up when it was still dark outside. He didn’t know when they’d fallen asleep. They had made out for ages, feeling lips mould together into one delicious artwork and having a bit of a grope. It didn’t go further than that though. Neither of them thought they could deal with it. For once, they thought about being sensible.

Pulling up the blanket to his chin, Nicky let his eyes slide shut again, just when he heard a shuddering breath from beside him. He opened his eyes in an instant and turned his head, saw Shane curled up in a small ball with his back towards him.

Another shuddering breath. A sniffle. Nicky realised he was crying.

“Shane?” He softly called and shuffled closer. There was a sob in response. A breath that sounded tortured. “Shane, sweetie…” Nicky didn’t know how long Shane had been crying for, or why he was crying. Or what time it was, even, whether it was only half nine or four o’clock in the morning. All he knew was that he felt his heart breaking for him. Bringing his arm around Shane’s stomach, he spooned him from the back and rubbed trembling skin. “What’s wrong?”

Shane shook his head and continued to bury his face in the pillow, still trying to quieten himself.

“Okay. It’s okay.” Nicky pressed his lips into Shane’s neck and hugged him a bit tighter, hating that that was all he could do to help. “Let it out, babe.”

“I love you,” Shane whispered. Felt Nicky stiffen against him. He didn’t care by this point.

Nicky was glad Shane had his back towards him. He tried his best to keep tears at bay. He wondered if he would ever get the chance to hear that again, and if there was a better timing for Shane to swoop, twist his heart and rip it out. Probably not. Every timing would be a bad timing. “Shane, we…”

“We can’t. I know.” Shane wiped his face and heaved out a shuddering breath that was like a hand around Nicky’s throat. “God, I fucking hate this.”

“I hate this too.” Nicky brushed a soft kiss on Shane’s nape. “I wish we could run away together. To somewhere unknown, where no one knows us and we could just… be.”

He felt foolish, like they were both constantly playing a game that they were destined to lose. They were going to part ways soon. A big splash in the media and that would be it. They wouldn’t be allowed to see each other again.

Yet all he wanted to do was feel Nicky’s lips on his again. He rolled around and leaned in.


	12. Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m aware that Shane didn’t write Beautiful to Me ([x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbmM1fWSORw)) but it seemed perfect for this so let’s pretend he did. Also, I changed a word in the lyrics; “count those cars again” to “count those stars again".

Shane fiddled around with a pen that had teeth marks from all the frustrated biting. He’d been sitting here for an hour now, with just two lines circling his brain that weren’t even that good. He was about to get up and make himself a cup of coffee when he got a text from Simon. Simon’s texts were always nerve-wracking. He barely came with good news. With a heavy mind, Shane flipped open his phone.

**Sent you the draft article via email. Going out next week. Read asap.**

_Article?_ , Shane thought. He raised an eyebrow and went to his laptop. And there it was.

**_‘Shane Filan and Nicky Byrne have reportedly broken up.’_ **

Then followed the constructed words of relationship troubles, how they were going to remain friends and wanted the respect and privacy from fans, a quick word of thanks for the overwhelming amount of support they’d received this past year.

Actually seeing it with his own eyes, Shane didn’t even feel like crying. It felt too real now, like a death sentence, almost. This was all real. They didn’t have the comfort of saying “we have more months left”. This was it. A week. A fucking _week_.

He sighed and closed his laptop. Sat there for a couple minutes in torturous silence with his head held in his hands. Thinking.

He grabbed his pen and his guitar.

***

The drive over to Nicky’s house was sombre. After the text from Nicky that invited him over, Shane popped in his car in less than a heartbeat. A lingering feeling in the back of his throat that knew this was the last visit. That knew this was going to be it.

When Nicky opened the door for him, those eyes looked like they already had a good cry; rheumy and morose. Shane tried to keep it together. It was getting harder and harder to do that, now that they were snuggled up on the couch together, a familiar arm around him, holding him a bit tighter than usual. Fingers entwining with his, feeling them a bit more curiously than usual.

So Nicky knew as well.

“Did you see the draft break-up article?”

Shane nodded, really didn’t want to think about it. “Yeah. Shane Filan and Nicky Byrne decide to go their separate ways.” He let out a bittersweet chuckle. “This is all over in a week… How has it been a year already? That’s mental.”

“Tell me about it.” Nicky rubbed the back of Shane’s head, kissed the side of it. “Bit sad, if I’m being honest.”

“Yeah,” Shane wanted to feel that kiss again. “A bit.”

“Or more.”

“Or more,” he echoed. Vomited a sigh that he’d been holding since the car ride. He tried so hard to not make things worse; to make things even more devastating, but he didn’t believe there was any place for it to go further down from here. “I’m going to miss you. This is just… fucked.”

Nicky hummed a reply, his eyes busy streaming through every edge of Shane’s face.

“I wrote a song this morning. For you. I think I’m gonna call it ‘Beautiful to Me’.”

“Are you serious?” Nicky saw a weak tremble in Shane’s eyes as he nodded. “Can I hear it?”

“I didn’t record it yet.”

“Well, you’re a singer.”

Shane seemed hesitant until a shy smile took over his lips, arms coming around Nicky’s shoulders with fingers playing with blonde hair. Nicky looked up expectantly, smiling when Shane cleared his throat.

“Look, I feel like shit so don’t judge me.”

“Never.” Nicky promised.

“Okay. Um.” He cleared his throat again. Tried to sink his thumping heart back down to where it belonged. He didn’t think he was ever this nervous to sing for someone before.

 _“Some people spend their whole life searching_  
_Just hoping, praying for someone._  
_But I’ve had you here for every moment._  
_I’ve found the place that I belong_.”

Listening to Shane’s gentle croons, Nicky felt warmth flood over his chest, a tingle in his eyes. Shane’s fingers were still in his hair. Nicky never wanted them to let go.

 _“And if we’re apart, come tomorrow, just know that my heart will follow you._ ”

He knew they had to let go. This… this was a farewell song, he realised. Undeniably. Those lyrics were for him and him only.

“ _Wherever you go, whoever you meet_  
_Always remember that you’re beautiful to me._  
_I want you to know, I need you to see_  
_You’re perfectly wonderful, you’re beautiful to me._  
_Always remember that you’re beautiful to me_.”

Shane’s voice tremored, and when Nicky looked up, he saw darkened hazels that stared down at him, red from the tears that he was about to cry any minute now. Nicky tried to swallow the invading puff of pressure that blocked his throat. It didn’t work.

 _“And if we grow apart and you’re lost in the dark, I swear_  
_Just look in your heart and count those stars again._  
_And you’ll find me._  
_Yeah, you’ll find me there_.”

“Shane…” Nicky wiped the wet streak on Shane’s cheek and wiped his own too.

Shane attempted at a laugh through a broken chuckle, through tears that trickled down the bridge of his nose. “I love you.”

Nicky didn’t know how many times he’d be able to hear that again. The three words that made his heart whole. Three words that would be stripped from his life like skin from bones and he would just have to imagine it on his own. Three words that he’d love to whisper every morning into sleep-drowned eyes lighting up with the morning Sun, but knew that he would never get the chance to. “I love you too.”

Their lips were brought together like magnets. The softness of the flesh, the gentle power behind each muscle movement, each passing passionate second felt like tearing an inch of their souls apart. The fingers in Nicky’s hair trailed down to his jaw, a comforting palm cupping the line and bringing him in closer, as close as they could get. Every moment was precious

Shane backed away for a second to wipe away the mixed tears that had gathered over their lips, only to have them replaced soon. “I meant every word of the song. My heart will always follow you.”

Wet sniffles got in the way but Nicky spoke on either way. “Ditto. Always…” Their lips met for another second. “Always.”

“I can’t believe this is…”

“Let’s not talk about it yet. It’s making me sad.” Nicky interrupted and let out a low laugh. He wiped his messy cheeks, wiped Shane’s too. “We still have a week. It’s enough time.”

“It’s really not.” Not at all. Not enough to clean up the past year that changed the colour of his life completely. It would never be enough to flip his world upside down or even to try and fathom the idea of never seeing the love of his existence anymore. Only through screens and newspapers and magazine covers. That would be it. He’d never feel Nicky’s lips again or plot the stars in his eyes. Never.

“No, it’s not,” Nicky agreed. Felt a hurricane in the back of his throat, sucking up words that needed to be said. “This is… probably going to be our last time. If the article’s going out next week, we probably shouldn’t… you know.”

“Yeah.” Shane breathed. Tears worked their way down again. It seemed inevitable, really. “I hate this so much,” he cried as he wrapped his arms around the blonde. With Nicky squeezing back, the painfully familiar hand stroking his tremoring back, there was no way the waterworks could stop. He buried his face in Nicky’s neck, peppering occasional kisses on the skin that felt like home.

Nicky closed his eyes. Tried to memorise the feeling of Shane’s lips on his neck. The way they curved, flexed against sensitive skin. The way they trembled a bit as Shane let go of an airless breath. He never wanted to forget what they felt like. “Love you. I’d bleed myself if it meant that I got to spend the rest of my life with you. You know that.”

“I know. And me too. In a heartbeat.” Another kiss, before Shane pulled back a bit and looked far into Nicky’s eyes. “Is there no chance? No chance at all?”

“You know the answer.”

Shane tried to wrap his head around the idea for the millionth time. It just didn’t seem possible; living without this golden soul whom he loved more than he ever thought he could love anyone. It felt like he was losing air, losing the sunlight and moonlight, losing the sunshine and rain of his life. “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too.” Nicky stroked down the side of Shane’s face that trembled and swelled underneath his fragile touch. “I love you. I can’t… I can’t believe this is it. This is… I don’t know what I’m going to do without you.”

“You’re going to be great.” Shane heaved out another sob and brushed a kiss on Nicky’s cheek. “You’re going to be brave and be an even bigger football player. I’ll always be watching…” The same softness of the kiss travelled down to Nicky’s trembling tear-rimmed lips. “So make me proud, love.”

“I will. I really will.” Nicky spoke like it was the most important promise of his life. “And you too. Go make amazing music. Go sell out tours. Do everything you’ve ever wanted. I’ll always be watching too. I’ll be with you every step.”

Shane nodded and arched up.

With the final slide of the tongue, a bittersweet taste swirled around their mouths knowing that this would be the last, for tomorrow would bring a different heartbreak.


End file.
